Category Archives: Guides

Using the 5 Love Languages for Self-Love

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A few months ago, I wrote about Using the Five Love Languages During Quarantine. While unfortunately, this information is still relevant, as I was writing that piece, I found myself thinking of ways you could give yourself some love during this time too. I finally circled back around to that idea and compiled a list of ideas for how you can use your love language to give yourself love right now. If you don’t already know your love language, I recommend taking the quiz to find out. 

Physical Touch

If your love language is physical touch, this year has been rough for you, particularly if you don’t live with anyone you can be intimate with. Make sure you’re giving yourself lots of space to feel the emotions that come up for you right now. Though you might not be able to get the cuddles you want from another person, there are actually many ways to give yourself physical affection. 

  • Massage yourself. Massage is a wonderful way to give yourself some love. There are a lot of self-massagers you can buy (I personally have a Muscle Hook) but your hands are completely sufficient for massaging much of your body. I recommend using oil as well for a fully sensual experience. 
  • Sit in the sun. The warmth of the sun feels like the whole world is hugging you. Try spending time in the sun for at least five minutes a day (don’t forget the SPF). 
  • Masturbate. You don’t need a partner to experience sexual pleasure, and even if you do have a partner, there’s nothing wrong with touching yourself. Masturbating is natural, healthy, and fun. Now is a great time to get creative and experiment with new sensations, fantasies, and toys. 
  • Take a hot bath or shower. A warm bath may boost oxytocin production, the “love hormone.” Try making this a special event with candles, relaxing music, and a delightful bath bomb (my favorite local soap store has a wonderful selection of CBD bath bombs). 
  • Invest in a weighted blanket. This is an expensive purchase, but one that can be very comforting if your love language is physical touch. Lying under a weighted blanket is grounding in a similar way to being held by someone you love. 

Words of Affirmation

Luckily, no matter how far away you are from someone, you can still express how you feel about them. Even if you are getting plenty of words of affirmation from people you care about (and I really hope you are), you still deserve that love from yourself. Here are some ideas for using words of affirmation for self-love. 

 

  • Leave yourself love notes. I recently started writing notes to myself on my white board to help pump me up every week. It’s wonderful to have a tangible reminder that regardless of what I am going through, I can rely on myself to be loving and supportive. 
  • Compliment yourself in the mirror. You deserve to be regularly reminded of all your great qualities. Whenever you pass by a mirror, try giving yourself a compliment and see how it makes you feel. 
  • Write yourself a letter. Did you ever have a teacher that had you write a letter to your future self? This exercise can actually be a great way to practice self-love. Write yourself a letter, put it in a drawer, and open it when you need to hear some words of affirmation. 
  • Journal. Journaling is a powerful way to have a conversation with yourself. Try journaling around self-love themes, such as, “What’s something I love about myself?”
  • Try affirmations. The way you talk to yourself matters, and affirmations are a simple way to be positive about yourself every day. 

 

Acts of Service

If your love language is acts of service, it might be hard for you to imagine how to use this on yourself. After all, doing something for yourself isn’t taking it off your plate. That may be true, but you can do favors for your future self as a way to show love. 

 

  • Make your bed every day. This is such a simple way to make your living space more pleasant. Making your bed in the mornings is a gift to your sleepy bedtime self later.  
  • Meal prep. Meal prepping is probably the one habit that has single-handedly changed my self-care game (you can find out more about that journey through this piece I wrote for Workweek Lunch). Even something as simple as prepping your breakfasts for the next few days can significantly reduce your stress. 
  • Get grocery delivery/pick up. Some weeks, you simply don’t want to deal with the grocery store. That’s when delivery or pick up can be a game changer. 
  • Plan your week. I like to keep it simple by writing out everything I want to accomplish on Sunday evening and scheduling it out through the week, but you can do this however works best for you. 
  • Go to therapy. Therapy is an investment in your mental health. Whether you have a mental health condition or not, you can benefit from having a safe space for emotional processing. 

 

Gifts

The love language of gifts is about having tangible proof that you are seen. Gifts make you feel loved when they’re thoughtful, and this is true whether they’re gifts from others or yourself. When using this love language, it’s important to be intentional. Spending recklessly to make yourself feel better is not the same thing as buying yourself something that will bring you joy again and again. 

 

  • Invest in your health. How you spend your money reflects your values. Spending money on your health (whatever that looks like for you) demonstrates how much you care about your own wellbeing. 
  • Make a budget. This is not the most exciting idea, but it is impactful. When you know exactly where your money is going and where you want it to go, you can spend on yourself without guilt, knowing that you are living within your means. 
  • Craft. You not only get a physical gift from crafting, you are also gifted the meditative and creative benefits of making something. 
  • Save for a vacation. Or to any other goal you have. Every time you save towards a goal, you are giving a wonderful gift to your future self. 

 

Quality Time 

Personally, I have had a lot of time to myself the last six months, and through this, I have come to truly understand the difference between quality time with yourself and simply being alone. When I am sitting and scrolling through social media, that’s not quality time, the same way it wouldn’t be if I was with someone else. Focus on activities that make you feel closer to yourself. 

 

  • Self-date night. You truly don’t need another person to go on a date. Make yourself dinner, light some candles, listen to your favorite music, and you don’t even have to share dessert. 
  • Pick up a new hobby. When you’re starting a new hobby, you get a lot of great quality time alone to learn. 
  • Meditate. If meditation isn’t your jam, try simply being mindful during another activity, like eating, dancing, or cooking. 
  • Schedule rest. It’s easy to get caught up in people-pleasing, to-do lists, and the need to be productive. Actively schedule time for rest so you can enjoy some stress-free time for yourself. 

 

Using the 5 Love Languages in Quarantine

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Through his best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman brought an important idea to the forefront of popular culture — people express and receive love in different ways. Whether it’s words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, or quality time, most people have one or two dominant “love languages” they use to communicate affection. 

If you don’t already know your love language, I’d recommend taking the quiz to find out. Knowing your own love language, as well as the love language of your partner, your children, and your other close companions, can be enormously helpful to form deeper, stronger relationships. 

That being said, some love languages are easier to use than others during the current pandemic. This is especially frustrating because what we need more than ever is to feel love and connection. To address this gap, I have put together this humble list of suggestions. 

Physical Touch

This is the most difficult primary love language to have right now, so I want to give a long, warm virtual hug to these folks right now. Physical touch is one of my love languages, and as someone who lives alone, this has been an exceptionally difficult time. Like at one point, I ordered Indian food and when the delivery driver was especially nice over text, I thought to myself, “Maybe we will fall in love now!” We didn’t.

It’s a lonely time for physical touch folks, and nothing will replace the life-giving hugs you will exchange after social distancing guidelines end. In the meantime, here are some ideas for how you can support your touch-loving friends. 

  • Send them something warm and fuzzy that smells like you. It will almost feel like being held by you. 
  • Gift them things that are pleasurable to touch — silk scarves or one of those incredibly soft microfiber blankets, for example. 
  • Send them things they can use for a spa day, like bath bombs, a massager, or a face mask. Pampering releases oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.”
  • Make eye contact with them. This one might seem weird, but hear me out. Eye contact is physically intimate without requiring physical touch. If you can’t be in the same place, try looking directly at the camera over video chat so it feels like they’re looking into your eyes. To be honest, I have no idea if this will work, but it’s worth a shot!
  • Try virtual touch. For someone you’re sexually intimate with, there is obviously sexting (VERY IMPORTANT: consent is ALWAYS mandatory, even virtually, so don’t send explicit messages or photos out of the blue. I will yeet you into the sun if I find out you did this). But even in a platonic relationship, you could say, “I am sending you a virtual hug!” or “I would love to play with your hair right now!” Will it feel weird? Maybe! But if there is any moment to try something new and weird, it’s now. 

Words of Affirmation 

Unable to see their loved ones in person, many people are learning for the first time how to verbally express affection, and it’s beautiful to see. This is my secondary love language so this is at least a small comfort for me. I am naturally effusive when it comes to people I love, and it has been nice to have more of that energy directed back towards me. 

That being said, there are only so many times you can say “I love you” and truly placate your words of affirmations friends. Tell me WHY, and don’t leave out any details! Here are some things to try to switch it up. 

  • Send them a card or letter expressing how much you value them. This will be treasured for a literal lifetime. 
  • Record a voice memo listing all of your favorite of their qualities. Hearing your voice lends a more personal touch to your loving words. 
  • Text them something you miss about them every day to give them a daily dose of love. 
  • Give them a pep talk. In these uncertain times, there is a lot of anxiety and self-doubt blooming, so your loved one may benefit most from a solid boost. 
  • Shout them out on social media. There’s nothing like a virtual public display of affection to make someone feel important. 

Acts of Service

When it comes to love, these people want to be shown, not told. We have all heard that actions speak louder than words, and people whose love language is acts of service have taken this to heart (literally). The classic example of an act of service is doing your partner’s least favorite chore for them. This, of course, is a lot trickier if you’re not currently quarantined with your loved one. Fortunately, there are plenty of actions you can take to communicate your love.

  • Pick up groceries for them and drop them at their front door. Right now, shopping is a harrowing experience, so this would be a significant act of love for many. 
  • Take one logistic off their plate. We’re all dealing with lifestyle changes that may be overwhelming. See if there is some kind of logistical problem you can help them with, such as planning a virtual happy hour or finding where they can buy more face masks for their children. 
  • Send them a meal. We’re all sick of cooking now, right? Sending their favorite takeout to their door is a great way to show that you care. 
  • Make them a playlist of podcasts to listen to. You could also give them a playlist of songs, a list of movies to watch, or a list of books to read. All of these would take away some of the burden of decision fatigue. 
  • Look for ways you can make their day easier. If you’re not sure what you can do for your loved one, pay attention to the struggles that they are facing. If they’re unemployed and looking for a job, for example, you might offer to edit their resume or send them job listings. What is the biggest difficulty they are currently facing? Is there anything you can do about it? Even if you can’t think of anything yourself, you can simply ask them, “How can I make your life easier today?”

Gifts

While it may seem like giving gifts is the easiest love language on this list during the pandemic, this love language is arguably the most misunderstood. Often considered “materialistic,” I have found that many people shy away from identifying with this love language for fear of being considered greedy. In reality, people who equate gifts with love care more about the intention behind the gift than the money spent. Gifts serve as a reminder of how much they are loved, regardless of price tag. 

Gifts are both easy and hard right now. They’re easy because we are able to send things to one another’s doors. They’re hard because whether you are struggling financially or they are, money can be a sensitive topic. Here are some ideas that don’t necessarily require you to spend a lot of money that can still have an impact. 

  • Use your creative gifts. If you’re a crafter, make them a picture frame for a picture of you together. If you’re a musician, try writing them a song. These types of gifts are often the most well-loved because of the time and attention required to put them together. 
  • Pay for them to take a class in a skill they have always wanted to master. There are tons of discounted online classes right now (check out Udemy), and this type of gift empowers them to work on their own development. 
  • Send them a book you think they’ll like. Choose something from your collection that you enjoy talking about. 
  • Gift them their favorite treat. It was recently my birthday, and my friends were kind enough to fill my kitchen with delicious sweet things. Speaking from this experience, these made me feel very loved and gave me something to look forward to. 

Quality Time

People whose love language is quality time feel most important and special to someone when their loved one simply wants to be with them. It doesn’t matter how this manifests — the emphasis here is truly on quality rather than time. A half-hour conversation with your full attention is more impactful than a two-hour hang where you’re staring at your phone most of the time. 

Quality time is tough during social distancing. Video chatting simply isn’t the same as sitting in the same room. Fortunately, though it isn’t ideal, technology has enabled us to make due for now. 

  • Watch your favorite show together. This works great for shows on live TV because it gives you a special time every week to set aside for each other. 
  • Play games. You can play your favorite video game online together, or download an app like Houseparty. 
  • Do a virtual book club. Pick a book and a few of your favorite pals and read together. 
  • Do a challenge together. There are a ton of challenges that you can do together, such as doing yoga every day for 30 days. 
  • Share a remote meal together. Order food from the same place and eat at the same time to almost feel like you’re out to dinner.

I hope these help you communicate your love to the people who matter the most to you during this time. Stay healthy, stay safe, and stay connected.

This PTSD Awareness Month, Stop Joking That You’re “Triggered”

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It’s PTSD Awareness Month, which means it’s the perfect time for me to school some fools on a condition that, unfortunately, I have. You may have noticed a lot of people on the internet making jokes about being “triggered” over small annoyances or insignificant issues. What you may or may not realize it that this is a psychological term that describes a symptom of PTSD. 

I am losing respect for people left and right when they use this term sarcastically, so it’s time for me to stop staring at them blankly and start telling them the truth. When you say you’re “triggered” when you mean you’re offended, you sound ignorant at best, and at worst, you sound like a malicious asshat. 

What is PTSD? 

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that occurs after a traumatic event. PTSD is most commonly associated with war veterans and sexual assault survivors, but there are many different experiences that can prompt PTSD. Events such as natural disasters, car accidents, the unexpected death of a loved one, or even just hearing about a traumatic incident experienced by someone you care about can cause PTSD symptoms. 

Some common symptoms of PTSD include: 

  • Nightmares
  • Low mood
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Paranoia/distrust of others 
  • Social isolation
  • Irritability 
  • Severe anxiety 
  • Avoiding places, people, and events that remind you of the traumatic incident 
  • Flashbacks — feeling like you are experiencing the traumatic incident all over again
  • Hypervigilance — being easily startled, feeling “on edge” 
  • Dissociation — feeling separated from your body, unable to be present in your surroundings

Note that you can also have PTSD symptoms that cannot be attributed to one specific event. This is referred to as Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). People are diagnosed with C-PTSD when they are exposed to trauma repeatedly over the course of months or even years. 

Combat survivors, victims of abuse, people recovering from years of childhood neglect… yeah, these are great targets for your humor and disdain (insert sarcastic tone here).

What is a Trigger?

A trigger is a sight, sound, smell, or thought that is a reminder of trauma and prompts PTSD symptoms to present. Specific triggers vary from person to person. Some are predictable, the way the Kavanaugh hearings were so triggering for sexual assault survivors for obvious reasons. They can also be something entirely unexpected. 

For example, the night I was assaulted, I passed by a swim school sign on my way to my attacker’s apartment. For the first few months afterward, I avoided that intersection like the plague. If I did accidentally pass that sign, I would be instantly thrown back to that night. Two years and countless hours of treatment later, I am usually unaffected when I happen to pass by that sign. However, every once and a while when I am already feeling anxious, a trigger like that might put me over the edge. Such is the joy of living with this super hilarious mental illness (some more sarcasm for you).

What It Feels Like to Be Triggered

Being triggered is a physiological response. You don’t choose to be triggered. It’s not being deeply offended by some minor slight. It’s your body’s arousal system going into hyper drive. 

Let’s say you’re going about your day totally normally. You might be in the grocery store, or out with friends, or even just hanging out at home, when it hits you out of nowhere. You heard a song that was playing while you were being assaulted, or one of your friends comes up behind you and startles you, or there is a car accident on TV. 

The exact symptoms that show up might vary. Some might experience a flashback and they feel like they are taken back in time to the traumatic event. Others might be suddenly consumed with a desire to run, to hide, or even to die to get away from the feelings they are experiencing. Physical symptoms like racing heart, shallow breathing, and chest pain are also common. 

I personally find dissociation to be the worst. I feel completely removed from a situation even if I’m physically there. I can be surrounded by close friends and I can’t feel their love at all. I am completely alone. It’s the most frustrating and isolating feeling, like you’re sitting behind glass watching the world go by. 

Unfortunately, I am more likely to be triggered in big groups of people, so parties are hit or miss for me. I have to be in the right mental state or I will get the floating-above-my-head feeling and have to roll out early. This is further isolating and has prevented me from having deeper relationships with a lot of people I’d love to get to know more. Fortunately, my close friends are completely understanding when I need to bail on social gatherings. I just wish I didn’t have to miss out as much as I do. 

Why Do People Say They Are “Triggered” as a Joke?

The most gracious version of myself believes that people make this joke because they don’t know better. They probably heard their friends or someone on the internet say it, and figured it would be an amusing turn-of-phrase to pick up without really knowing the source of the term. 

Of course, there is also a political aspect to it. There are people who are under the impression that “triggered” is a term created by “social justice warriors” who “can’t take a joke.” These are the people who are under the impression that people who are “triggered” like playing the victim and are just searching for offense wherever they go. This is how they are able to dismiss people who experience oppression from sexism, racism, ableism, transphobia, and other insidious prejudices as “overreacting.” 

These are not the people I am trying to reach by writing this article. My assumption is that if you’ve made it this far, you’re either already on board or you are genuinely curious and open to change. To you I will say, you do not want to be associated with these people. You care about others. You don’t want to cause unnecessary harm. There are way more hilarious jokes to make. Find them and leave this one for the intentionally hateful. 

Why Do I Care?

You might still wonder why it even matters if people co-opt this term. I’m sure there are other people with PTSD who really DGAF if anyone says “triggered.” There are certainly other things that I find more important in the world of PTSD advocacy, like making sure that people have access to treatments that work for them. 

Most of the time, when I hear this term used as a joke, I can roll my eyes and move on with my day. But on some level, it always hurts me to hear someone be so casual and ignorant about something that has profoundly impacted my life, relationships, and wellbeing. Though I am not triggered nearly as frequently as I used to be (from every day when I was first diagnosed versus maybe once every few months now), I still have to build my daily life and future around the reality of this condition. When someone says they’re “triggered” over something absolutely idiotic, I just think to myself, “If you knew what it was really like, you wouldn’t find it funny at all.”

Beyond that, language matters. The words we hear subconsciously create beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. You don’t know who is listening and what type of shame they may feel when you use the word “triggered” in such a contemptuous way, shame that may prevent them from getting the help they need. 

The stigma of having a mental illness is heavy enough. There is no reason for you to contribute with a highly unoriginal and distinctly unfunny joke. If you do nothing else this June, resolve to leave the word “triggered” behind, except when you are helping someone with PTSD. Choose compassion over lazy humor, my friends. 

Resources

If you are interested in learning more about PTSD, or if you or someone you love is experiencing PTSD, here are some resources that may help. 

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman

National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

NAMI PTSD Help Guide

Mindfulness for Trauma Recovery

Neuroplasticity: The Key to Breaking Free From Old Patterns

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Do you ever feel like you’re on a hamster wheel, making the same bad decisions over and over again? Maybe you repeat toxic relationship dynamics with different partners. Maybe you think mean things about yourself. Maybe you are constantly late to everything, causing you stress. You know these thoughts and behaviors aren’t helping you, but they’re ingrained. You just can’t help it. 

Humans are creatures of habit, and for the most part, we should be grateful for this fact. Habits are an adaptive neurological strategy to ensure that we do things without having to put in much effort and energy into motivating us. While this is helpful in some ways, not all patterns of behavior are ones we wish to keep repeating. Yet we feel resigned to them. So how do you break free of old patterns?

Simple, my friend: science. 

Using Neuroplasticity to Your Advantage

We’ve all heard that people don’t change. This is true to some degree: we are wired to be the way that we are. Our actions, emotions, and feelings create neural connections in the brain. Whenever we repeat them, the synapses are activated, and this strengthens them the more frequently we reinforce them. 

This means that while you may be wired to think and act in a certain way, you don’t have to keep strengthening the same patterns. By behaving and thinking differently, you form new connections. This adaptable quality of our brains is called neuroplasticity.

I personally love the idea of neuroplasticity. I like to yell, “NEUROPLASTICITY!” at myself whenever I am feeling resigned to a negative habit. It’s not only fun to say, it helps me remember that I am not stuck behaving in a certain way. My brain can change, therefore, I can change. 

If you constantly think to yourself, “I am unworthy of love,” that thought is wired into your brain. On the other hand, if you challenge that thought and think to yourself, “I am worthy of love,” it creates a new connection. Every time you reinforce that connection, it strengthens, until it replaces the previous negative thought. Ta da! You have formed a positive belief about yourself! Congrats!

Be Patient

That being said, this is not something that will happen overnight. You may have heard the statistic that it takes 60 days to form a habit, but the reality is, it can take a lot longer than that.  

That’s the main reason why people struggle to change so much: it takes time and consistency. You need to activate that synapse very often to form an enduring connection. Have patience with yourself. You didn’t fall into this pattern overnight, which is why you can’t climb out of it overnight. Give your brain time to rewire itself, and it will. 

Understand Your “Why”

To maintain the commitment necessary to overcome an unhelpful pattern, you need to have the right motivation. The right reason for changing will help get you through the initial discomfort of trying something new.  

Let’s say you really want to find a monogamous romantic relationship, but you keep dating people who are not looking for commitment. Maybe it started with your first partner and now the cycle is on repeat. You always seem to find yourself in “situationships” with people who can’t commit. They may even straight up tell you that they’re emotionally unavailable, and on some level, this may even intensify your attraction to them. Your brain is used to going after unavailable people, so this is part of your natural wiring. 

Breaking away from this pattern requires focusing your energy on emotionally available people, and this might be a turn-off for you initially. Someone expressing interest in your inner world, wanting to spend time with you, and being responsive to your needs might leave you feeling uneasy. Finding someone you connect with doesn’t happen overnight, just the way changing your habits doesn’t either. This can lead to a perfect storm where you go running back to the unavailable person you were chasing after before. 

This is when it’s essential to understand why you want to break this pattern. Saying “to find love” is not enough. This leaves you plenty of room to fill in the blanks about what that means, and waiting two days for a text back is not it. Be as specific as possible about what you are trying to accomplish and what that looks like for your daily life. In this example, write out all the qualities you want in a partner and what you want that partnership to look like. Read it every day and add more as you learn from your experience. This can help you to stay motivated to pursue people who fulfill these qualifies, and stay away from those who don’t. 

It’s worthwhile to note that this issue is probably due to a whole series of beliefs about yourself and what you deserve, and therefore, it may not be as simple as this. It may be beneficial for you to try cognitive behavioral therapy, which guides you through the process of challenging negative thought patterns with the help of a licensed therapist. 

Progress, Not Perfection

Perfectionism is the quickest way to kill all your efforts. Let’s say you’re trying to stop hitting snooze three times in the morning. You jump up with your alarm every day for four days, then the morning of the fifth day, you’re hitting snooze again. For many people, this is where their efforts are sabotaged. They’ve failed. Neuroplasticity be damned. That neural connection is lost forever. Better stay in bed and never leave. 

You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, you won’t be. You will fail. You will hit snooze again. But that doesn’t mean that all is lost. Instead of trying to get it perfect every time, see where you have room to improve just slightly. For example, try only hitting snooze twice for two weeks. Then, see if you can only hit it once for another two weeks. Then give not hitting it at all a try. It may be a less linear process than you’d like — that’s okay. Even if you sometimes stimulate the “hit snooze button three times” neural connection, you can still strengthen the “wake up with your alarm” connection every time you choose to. 

Get Support 

Breaking out of an old pattern is a lot of work. The good news is, you don’t have to do it alone. Talk to someone about what you’re trying to accomplish. Get the support of your friends and family. Post on social media for accountability. Again, cognitive behavioral therapy is always an option. Regardless of who you reach out to, do it. No one has to walk this path alone. 

Do I Have An Anxiety Disorder?

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I have lived with anxiety most of my life, so when I was first diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), my mind was blown. You mean there are people out there who aren’t constantly worrying? What’s that like?

I have spent a lot of time contemplating what these people think about with all that extra space in their brains. How would I ever fill the time? Would I finally have the mental real estate to learn a new language? Unlock the secret to world peace? Or would I fail to live up to these expectations, proving that it isn’t my anxiety holding me back, but an inherent lack of worth? And now I’m anxious and depressed.

If you can relate, you may now be worrying that you have an anxiety disorder. I am not going to tell you not to worry because that’s probably the least helpful thing you can say to someone who is already worrying (oh, why didn’t I think of that? Everything is better, thank you!).

I will say two things: one, try not to diagnose yourself on the internet. Especially if you are inclined towards anxiety, you have probably already diagnosed yourself with cancer multiple times like I have. The best thing you can do is talk to some sort of healthcare professional who can guide you to the right resources. While anxiety is generally self-diagnosable, the last thing I want is for you to take this blog post as an excuse not to see a medical professional for treatment. I know I have all the symptoms, why would I bother? Because anxiety is a real ailment that impacts your life and wellbeing and should receive equal medical attention as a physical health condition.

Two, try to have hope. Anxiety disorders are the most prevalent mental health disorders in the U.S., affecting around 40 million people, and they are also highly treatable. This means that you’re not alone, and you have options.

Signs You May Need Professional Help for Your Anxiety

You feel out of control.

Does it feel like you have no control over how you think, feel, and/or behave? Maybe you are so consumed with anxious thoughts that you didn’t hear a single thing that went on in that meeting. Perhaps you are feeling so fearful and sad that you cancel all your plans with your friends, leaving them concerned. You might know that you have to go to your property management company to pay rent, but the idea of talking to a stranger makes you so nervous that you can’t make yourself go. If you feel like your anxiety is controlling you, you might benefit from professional help.

You’re feeling physical symptoms of anxiety.

You might be able to identify your anxiety by certain mental symptoms. For instance, you may recognize that you are obsessing over something. But many people don’t realize that even if they aren’t thinking about something that makes them anxious, anxiety can manifest in physical ways.

Remember that your body and mind are not really separate. What you think impacts how your body feels, and what your body feels impacts how you think. Even if you are pushing anxious thoughts down and in denial about how you feel, your body knows, and will tell you in ways you can’t ignore. If you’re experiencing symptoms such as heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, a heavy feeling on your chest, or digestive issues, listen to your body and seek help.

Everyone is getting on your nerves.

Does it seem like everyone is annoying you recently? Chances are, you haven’t suddenly found yourself surrounded by assholes — irritability is actually a symptom of anxiety. This one can be tough to deal with, but I have found it can be a helpful indication that something is going on for me. If my friend is talking and I am finding myself getting annoyed by them for no apparent reason, generally, this is because my anxiety wants my attention too. So I try to pause for a moment and think back to what exactly is distracting me from this conversation.

You can’t sleep.

Again, this could be your body’s way of telling you something is up. I can’t even tell you how many times this has happened: I am exhausted by 6 p.m. I am complaining to everyone I know how tired I am and how much I can’t wait to go to bed. Then bedtime rolls around, and I am doing everything I can to avoid it. Suddenly I have to organize my Tupperware right then or I won’t be able to do anything the next day. I have to make more progress on the book I am reading so that I can return it to my friend in a timely manner so they don’t think I am a slow reader (and maybe they will even call me a fast reader, which is a comment that I find very flattering for some reason). My phone is a fascinating portal that I must fall down for hours instead of sleep.

On my healthiest days, I recognize that I am having some anxiety, take my anxiety med, journal about it, and do my best to set aside my worries for another day. Regardless of what will work for you, talking to a specialist about your anxiety may help you get better sleep.

You avoid social situations.

Sometimes, there is nothing better than the sweet sound of your phone buzzing to let you know that your plans have been cancelled. Wanting alone time, or even preferring it, is not in itself a sign of anxiety.

However, if you’re always dodging Facebook invites out of fear, or you spend social situations analyzing your every movement with a critical eye, you could have social anxiety.

Many people are surprised to learn that I struggle with social anxiety. I have a management position at a 600+ person company and I was the president or my sorority senior year, so I can see why people who don’t know me that well get confused when I say this.

On the outside, I appear very socially easy. I am not trying to brag but, I’m likable. I know how to make people feel good and I am very go-with-the-flow, so I don’t tend to cause much conflict. On the inside of my brain, however, my anxious brain is often going a mile a minute. In times when my social anxiety is really bad, I have felt like I was reading people’s minds, and they were thinking awful things about me.

After years of therapy, I have come to a place where I can identify when my socially anxious thoughts are irrational. I can give myself a mean mirror pep talk at this point. The thoughts are still there, but I just don’t give them the weight that I used to. It has taken a lot of patience and practice, but it’s possible to cope with social anxiety.

If you feel like you can relate to any of these signs, it’s a good idea to talk to someone about them. I personally recommend connecting with a licensed counselor, and if you need help finding one, I have written a guide on how to find a therapist. If you’re experiencing physical symptoms, it’s also wise to consult with your doctor who can help rule out any medical causes of your anxiety.

Anxiety sucks, but it’s manageable once you figure out the right treatment for you. The key is to be patient with yourself and celebrate even the small victories. If you have any tips for getting anxiety treatment, I would love to hear from you in the comments!

Mental Illness Getting in the Way of Your Resolutions? You’re Not Alone

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As someone who is straight up obsessed with self-reflection and growth, I unabashedly love New Year’s. This is a time when everyone is getting a little introspective about what they want out of life, as well as what they have accomplished so far. I love seeing people taking advantage of self-improvement being in the air.

That being said, setting New Year’s resolutions is easier than accomplishing them. Personally, I have started many a year with lofty ambitions, only for December to come with no little-to-no progress made. I have often found myself waging a battle against mental illness to be the best version of myself. Turns out, I’m not alone in this experience.

Anxiety and Depression as Obstacles to New Year’s Resolutions

A recent survey of 500 people by Body Nutrition revealed that mental health may be a significant reason why many people cannot consistently implement the changes they want to make in the new year. Of the respondents, 29 percent said anxiety and depression were the biggest obstacles to making their fitness or wellness resolutions regular habits.

Body Nutrition New Year's Resolutions

These mental health conditions were nearly the most common reason why people struggle to make progress toward their wellness goals. Anyone who has experienced mental illness can relate to this. You might resolve to make more meals at home, but summoning the energy to get out of bed to cook feels impossible. Soon, you’re stuck in a cycle of rumination, beating yourself for not being able to follow through, filling you with shame. This is a common experience for people with depression and/or anxiety, and it may make the new year a time of stress for you rather than optimism. The good news is, there are plenty of resources to help people with anxiety and depression to set goals and achieve them.

Tips for Making New Year’s Resolutions When You Have Anxiety and Depression

I was much more successful with my resolutions this year. While I didn’t accomplish all of them, I’m proud of my progress and what I managed to check off my list. Here are some of the tools that helped me.

Practice Self-Compassion

This is my number-one tip for literally every aspect of life, but particularly goal-setting. Living with anxiety and depression often means having a running monologue in your head of everything you’re doing wrong. With a constant critic whispering in your ear, it’s no wonder you struggle to summon the confidence needed to take risks and make necessary changes. Cutting yourself some slack allows you to approach your resolution with curiosity rather than fear of failure. Let’s say you have resolved to start running, but you end up skipping the second day. You might think something like, “I can’t do this. I can never stick with anything. I’ll never be able to change.” This line of thinking makes it that much more difficult to get back to running. Alternatively, a more compassionate response may be, “I feel the need to rest today, but that’s okay. I will run tomorrow instead.”

Self-compassion is not like flipping a switch. It takes time to adopt a new mindset, so when you have negative thoughts about yourself pop up, don’t be discouraged. Something that has helped me is to think of myself as a child I am taking care of. I would never speak to my adorable baby self the way I tend to now, so it helps me to approach my thoughts with more compassion and less judgment.

Be Realistic

One of the most frustrating parts of depression is feeling like you are capable of so much more than your condition allows. While being depressed doesn’t mean you can’t accomplish great things, it’s important to accommodate your symptoms instead of denying their real impact on your life. For example, let’s say you want to write a novel this year. That’s a great goal, but make sure to give yourself some freedom in this timeline to cope with any depressive symptoms that might pop up. Dedicating two hours every day to writing might not be realistic when some days, just waking up is a major undertaking. Instead, if you give yourself a flexible schedule with realistic expectations, you’re better able to cope when your mental illness decides to pop up and interrupt your plans.

Think Of Your Overall Wellness

Many wellness resolutions are appearance-based. The problem with these resolutions, such as losing weight, is that they focus on what you look like on the outside instead of how you feel inside. More often than not, you end up at war with your body, launching a grenade into your self-worth. Instead of putting your efforts behind aesthetics, I would encourage you to look at your wellness from a holistic perspective, with special attention to your mental health. How could you give yourself more space to heal old emotional wounds and learn new ways to manage your symptoms? How could you go through 2019 with more self-love? What are some things you could do for your health that have nothing to do with what you look like to the outside world? Reflect on these questions while writing your resolutions.

I hope that these tips help you with these common obstacles to sticking with your resolutions. Regardless of what you accomplished last year, I hope that you will give yourself credit for getting through 2018 and facing all the challenges that were thrown your way. Here’s to a great 2019!

XOXO,
Ginzo

Mindfulness Matters: Tips for Living in the Present

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“Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated than that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it.” Sylvia Boorstein

Sometimes, my brain feels like it’s not my own. I try to control the thoughts that come racing in when I wake up, but they bounce around with little regard for where I want them to go. Not now, I’ll tell them, but it falls on deaf ears. When this happens, I try not to let my thoughts carry me away with them. I may meditate, or I may just take a moment to take in where I am, noticing how it feels to be supported by the earth, and what sounds, smells, and colors I can see. Does it always work? No; sometimes, the thoughts still win. But the more I practice this skill, the better I become at being present in the moment. Mindfulness is a powerful psychological tool that can help you accept, study, and let go of the worries, fears, struggles, and persistent thoughts that cloud your mind, allowing you to feel lighter and more alive.

The best way to become more mindful is to practice meditation. However, even simply living more mindfully has its benefits. On my journey to become a more mindful person, I have found keeping certain things in mind has helped me make progress towards my goal.

Practice, Practice, Practice

One meditation session does not make you mindful. Mindfulness is like any type of exercise; with practice, you will improve. If you don’t practice, don’t be surprised when the worries that consumed you before come pouring back, filling your mind like static. You can practice mindfulness through daily meditation, or simply by going through your day in an aware manner. Try fully focusing on the task at hand, whether you are doing the dishes, walking home, writing a paper, or doing nothing at all. The practice of focusing on the present allows you to better ground yourself during those moments of crisis when you need it, as well as more fully experience the joys of life.

Accept Yourself

No one sits through a meditation session with a completely clear mind. Whatever creeps into your consciousness, whether you are thinking about what you will be eating later or contemplating your loneliness in the world, is normal and natural. A big part of meditation is accepting yourself without judgment. Don’t beat yourself up when you find yourself drifting away from the present moment; simply observe that these thoughts are coming to you, and let them go. For me, I will sometimes visualize my mind as a blank white canvas. Thoughts come in like splashes of watercolor, trying to draw my attention back to them, but I simply acknowledge them then slowly brush them away. Fighting with your thoughts only gives them more power; allow yourself to acknowledge that you have drifted away, then return to your breath and this moment in time.

Make it a Priority

Like any goal, you are only going to become more mindful if you prioritize it. You might finish this article, feel motivated to meditate for five minutes, then promptly forget your newfound commitment to living presently. You don’t have to be perfect, but practicing mindfulness on a daily basis is the only way to become more mindful. Whether you start your day with a fifteen-minute meditation or you simply take the time to check in with yourself and the present moment several times throughout the day, the more time you put towards this goal, the simpler it will be to access that presence of mind at any moment.

Make Room for Intention

These days, it easier to overschedule than ever. There are so many different things that demand your attention, your days may be filled to the brim with appointments, errands, chores, work obligations, and social engagements. You can keep busy for your entire life and never take a moment of self-reflection, and many people do, to the detriment of their mental and physical health. Avoid this by making sure to schedule more time than you really need in between your obligations to give yourself the ability to go about your life with more intention.

Listen Actively

Raise your hand if you have ever had this experience: you are having a conversation with someone and you find yourself so wrapped up in how you are about to respond, you have no idea what they just said. Mindfulness benefits not only your own health, but your relationships with others. When you bring mindfulness into your interactions with people, you can expect them to feel much more positively about you. When you are truly present with another person, you listen to exactly what they are saying instead of just waiting to speak. Focus on being with this person at this very moment, and experience more profound mindfulness.

Savor Every Moment

“We have only now, only this single eternal moment opening and unfolding before us, day and night.” Jack Kornfield

The only thing we are guaranteed is this present moment, so savor it while you have it. Instead of allowing your mind to be preoccupied by your mistakes from the past or worries of the future, take a moment to feel the joy of what is happening right now. Breathe in the scents that surround you, feel the warmth of your clothes against your skin, and appreciate the feeling of having someone who loves you looking at your face like you are something to be seen. When you feel joy, close your eyes and feel everything this moment has brought you.

I hope these mindfulness tips help you live more presently in your everyday life. It can be difficult to stay in the moment, but you don’t have to wait to start being mindful; in fact, the best time is right now.

How to Cope With Anger

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I have recently made it my mission to get in touch with the emotion that makes me the most uncomfortable: anger. All my life, I have made it a habit to stifle anger. I hate confrontation so much that I thought that keeping anger inside was the way to deal with it, and it turns out, it totally was! HAHA just kidding, it emotionally exhausted me so much that I physically felt tired. I had to accept that anger, like any emotion, serves a purpose, and that pretending it isn’t there doesn’t make it go away.

The Wisdom of the Five Messengers

A few years ago, my therapist gave me a copy of the book “The Wisdom of the Five Messengers” by Kerry Paul Altman, and it really resonated with me. It’s about the purpose of emotions: to bring our attention to what we need to change in our lives. Internalized misconceptions stop us from really hearing what our emotions are guiding us to do, but even when we choose to ignore them, they come out in other ways, physically, mentally, and emotionally. According to Dr. Altman, the key to living a healthy life is to let go of these preconceived notions about our feelings, stop ignoring them, and accept them for the important role they play in our lives. There are no “good” or “bad” emotions; each of the five outlined in the book (anger, sadness, happiness, fear, and love) is an essential part of being a human.

Dr. Altman refers to anger as “the messenger of injustice” (this will likely immediately speak to anyone who is angry about the new administration). When we are angry, it is because we feel wronged. We feel betrayed, whether it’s by another person, the world, or ourselves. Anger gets a bad rap because it is associated with aggression, so we are taught to ignore and avoid it. However, anger is different than aggression; anger is a feeling, and aggression is a behavior. Anger doesn’t need to be managed; aggression does. Anger needs to be heard, because anger is essential to getting shit done. Anger is why any social movement ever started. As Audre Lorde said in her well-worth-the-read essay “The Uses of Anger: Women Responding to Racism,” when anger is “[f]ocused with precision it can become a powerful source of energy serving progress and change.” We need anger on some level to motivate us to address injustices of all kinds, from large scale societal injustices such as racism, to minor frustrations in our personal lives. When we recognize and accept our anger, it enables us to see the options we have to deal with it. We can repress anger and let it manifest as passive-aggressive behavior, headaches, or panic attacks, or we can face it head on and use it to address what is unfair in our lives.

Take a Beat

For many people, the trouble with anger is that it makes them say hurtful things. I am not generally one to respond immediately with anger, mostly because I have spent so much time out of touch with it. However, this hasn’t stopped me from spewing some toxic sentiments about the source of my anger later on to close confidants. I won’t post them here for public record, but my close friends reading this could probably tell you exactly what I said. Anger can be blinding, so it is wise to take a step back and unpack it before you address it. Give yourself the time and space to compose your thoughts if you want your words to carry the right impact. In the heat of the moment, it is easy for others to dismiss you as “too emotional.” Don’t give them this satisfaction by taking time to compose your thoughts and say exactly what you mean, how you mean it. Whether you need to take ten seconds to breathe deeply before you respond or you need several days, take the time you need, do the work, and process your anger.

Express It

I am pretty good at detecting when I need some room to think when I am feeling heated, but I am not great at following through later. My natural inclination is to work through my anger on my own and then let it slide when it comes to actually expressing it out loud. Because of my fear of confrontation, I have chickened out on this step again and again. I used to just hate the idea of “burdening” others with my feelings and making them feel bad for making me angry because does it really matter if I am not that angry anymore? Yes, it does. Your emotions are not a burden to other people. When you tell people how you really feel, how they made you feel, you are showing them respect. You demonstrate that you think enough of them to be honest with them. Imagine being in their position: if someone was mad at you, would you rather they tell you or hold it in the form of a grudge forever? Go ahead and tell them what’s on your mind.

Do Something About It

In the case of an argument, expressing how you feel may be all you need to move past it. However, there are many sources of anger within our lives, and many times, a conversation is either not possible or is not going to resolve the problem. If you are stuck in a cycle of endless road rage during your commute, for example, it might be cathartic to talk to your friends and family or journal about it, but that’s not going to address the problem head on. This is where it’s important to identify actions you can take to cope with your anger. In the case of road rage, look into alternative methods of commuting, like a more scenic and less populated route, or taking the bus instead of driving. Make a list of all your options for coping with whatever is making you angry, and choose what to do with this invigorating emotion.

Forgive

Anger serves an important purpose, but it is not meant to held onto for the rest of your life. Once you have expressed it and done something about it, it should be easier to forgive the source of your anger, which is important for your own well-being. However, this may be easier said than done in many cases, particularly in the face of oppression. You don’t need to forgive your oppressors, but find forgiveness where you can so you can heal. Forgive yourself for not being able to do more. Forgive those who don’t know better (and try to educate them). Forgive the world for its passive silence. When your anger is no longer serving you, it’s time to let it go. There is plenty more productive anger in your future.

Feel Gratitude

Once you have accomplished everything you can with your anger and let it go, it’s time to turn your attention elsewhere. This is a great opportunity to indulge in some gratitude. Think about the things in your life that don’t make you angry, but fill you with feelings of contentment, security, and awe. Tell a friend what they mean to you. Spend time in a place that gives you peace. Thank yourself for doing the work necessary to process anger. Anger is not an easy emotion, but it is one that can bring much to be grateful for into your life if you let it.

Here’s hoping your journey towards healthy anger is a smooth one. If it isn’t, feel free to reach out to me for more advice! I’m here for you.

Ginzo

10 Self-Care Tips (That Don’t Involve A Bubble Bath)

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Have you guys ever noticed how articles about self-care always tell you to take a bubble bath? Don’t get me wrong; I love baths. I pretty much always have bath bombs from Lush on deck, and when I don’t, I will drive an hour to buy one. I have also had several epiphanies about myself while sitting in baths, so I am not about to belittle the value of some good ole self-reflection in the tub. But self-care is about so much more than bubble baths, and the heavy emphasis on pampering yourself makes self-care seem like indulgence, which people use to justify either not taking care of themselves or participating in some unhealthy behaviors and calling it “self-care.”

Self-care is about CARING for yourself, the way you care for a child. Caring for a child is not all about taking them to the circus and giving them all of the ice cream their heart desires; it’s also about making sure that they are fed and clothed and brush their teeth and get to bed on time, plus loving them and giving them a safe space to develop and grow. Just the way you would care for a child, you need to care for yourself. So to help you in your self-care efforts, I have compiled a list of self-care tips that don’t involve a bubble bath (though tbh all this talk about baths is just making me want to take one when I’m done writing this).

Have a bedtime ritual

If you’re anything like me, you have nights when you just crawl right into bed without doing anything beforehand because why bother, we’re all going to die anyway, right? Existentialism aside, having a bedtime ritual is extremely beneficial to your sleep hygiene and ergo, your life. Rituals trigger our brains to release the hormones we associate with these particular actions; so for bedtime rituals, our brains release melatonin, the sleep hormone. Basically, having a bedtime ritual conditions you to be sleepy at bedtime, making it so much easier to fall asleep. Sleep is important for your mental and physical health, so you should prioritize it.

Apply to a new job

This tip applies specifically to y’all who hate their jobs, or feel complacent in their jobs, or just feel complacent in general. Even if it leads nowhere, applying to another job allows you to envision a different future. Don’t resign yourself to live in an existence you hate. This can apply even beyond your job. Imagine your life beyond what limits you, whether that’s your job, your apartment, your friends, or your relationship. In short, whatever it is that is making you unhappy, take steps to change it: apply for a new job, look for a new place, make new friends, and dump his ass.

Go to the dentist

I’m sure there are people out there who are extremely diligent about going to the dentist; congratulations on being responsible. I, on the other hand, will put off going to the dentist as long as humanly possible, and then endlessly worry about them judging my tartar build up and live in an anxious ball until my appointment. Maybe for you, this is not going to the dentist, but going to the eye doctor, gynecologist, or other medical appointment. Regardless of what type of doctor, just go. It’s better than living in fear of all of the terrible diseases you think you have but probably don’t, and if you do, you need to, you know, see a doctor.

Prioritize plans with yourself

If you’re anything like me, you are intimately familiar with this scenario: someone asks you to do something, and you don’t really want to do it because you had been planning to curl up in bed and eat grapes and watch reality television, but that doesn’t really count as plans so you say “yes” anyway. Eff that. It doesn’t matter if all you did was make plans with yourself, you already have plans. Don’t allow yourself to be guilted into going to your sister’s boyfriend’s poetry reading, either by your sister or by your own inner critic.

Clean and decorate

In moments when it felt like my life was completely out of my control, cleaning has been one of the most cathartic actions I have taken. When you can’t control your life, you can still control your environment. I especially like cleaning the kitchen. There is something about a clean kitchen that makes me feel so calm. I also love when my bedroom is all cozy and neat and Instagrammable (read: fairy lights, patterned quilts, and tapestries). Cleaning is not only good for your mood, but for your cognition. When I go into slob mode and make Clothes Mountain in my closet, it is so stressful getting dressed in the morning. In contrast, when I have hung and sorted all of my clothes according to style and color, I don’t start my day with any clothes-related anxiety (I will find something else to worry about instead).

Make yourself a meal

It’s so easy to fall into the same pattern of eating out, grabbing whatever is convenient, but there is something important in the act of cooking for yourself. Food is a way that many people choose to show love (i.e. me/my mom/my sister/probably your grandma/the coworker who always brings in baked goods). Why not show yourself that same kind of love? Make yourself a meal that nourishes you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Sounds too lofty? Just make something that tastes delicious. Make grandma proud.

Play with an animal

At my college, they would have pet therapy day before finals to help stressed out students. This is because SCIENCE which tells us that animals have a calming effect on humans. Keep your blood pressure low by petting, playing with, or holding an animal, whether it is your pet, your friend’s, or some pups at the Humane Society.

Have a conversation with yourself

It might be hard for you to be kind to yourself. If it is, you are not alone. I have to actively combat negative and persistent thoughts of self-doubt on a daily basis, so I get it. Something that helps me sometimes when I am getting really down is to add some distance. I have a conversation with myself as though I am one of my close friends and I can approach the situation with far more kindness and love. When I have a feeling, I might say out loud, “I feel so ______ when _____ happens,” and I respond as though it was my friend who expressed this thought. Put a little distance between yourself and your feelings, and you may be surprised how much easier it is to accept them and move on.

Unplug

Have you ever felt like social media is a drug that is slowly sucking your time and soul so you close the Facebook app in disgust and swear you won’t check it till tomorrow but then you check it again almost immediately after because what if something has changed in the last 20 seconds? Whether your social media addiction is as persistent as mine or you have a better grip on it but still feel the effects of information overload, it’s healthy to unplug once and awhile. You might try charging your phone on the other side of the room when you sleep, deleting some apps off your phone so you can’t check them as regularly, or deactivating an account or two. Some people get nervous at the idea of leaving their phone at home for a few hours because what if this is the one time there is an emergency? I get that because I am also a worrier; that being said, it can be very refreshing to leave your phone at home for an hour or two while you go for a run or go spend some face-to-face time with a friend, and you will probably come home to only a few promotional emails or no notifications at all, making you wonder why you own a smartphone at all.

Invest in people who invest in you

When I was younger, I spent way too much time on people who gave little in return. Now, I spend more time nurturing relationships with people who want to nurture relationships with me. The people you invest in are the people who root for you, who ask how you are and want to know the answer, and who you unquestionably know care about you. Invest in them by returning the favor; support them, think about them, and let them know however you do that best, whether it is verbally, written, or through acts of kindness. On the flip side, let go of (or if you can’t, distance yourself from) people who only care about what you can give them, who never show any curiosity about you and your world, and who leave you feeling depleted and used. Care for yourself enough to know that you deserve better.

Happy Wellness Wednesday, y’all! Go out and care for yourselves!

Ginzo

How to Write New Year’s Resolutions

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I love New Year’s resolutions. People are quick to point out how often we fail to accomplish them, but I don’t think that fear of failure should hold you back from this helpful exercise (or doing anything, really). I have failed to achieve many resolutions, but at minimum, thinking about what I wanted to accomplish helped me to live a more intentional life and gain greater perspective on my life. This New Year’s Day, I hope you are taking some time to reflect on what you want to accomplish this year. If you are, I have put together this handy guide to making the most of your New Year’s resolutions.

Picking Your Resolutions

Pick realistic and specific goals

Making resolutions that are too lofty or vague guarantees that you aren’t going to accomplish them. Don’t resolve to exercise on a daily basis when you rarely do now; that isn’t realistic. Instead, work yourself up to that goal by exercising once a week, then adding more days as you go.

Additionally, if your resolutions are too general, it’s harder to stick to them because you don’t have a specific measure of success. If you want to read more, for example, pick exactly how often you will read and for how long. If you have overarching goals, such as becoming a better flutist, make more specific goals that contribute to it, like playing the flute for 15 minutes every day or joining a flute interest group (that’s a thing, right?).

Make a resolution a month

A year is a long time to keep focused on a goal, as evidenced by the fact that most people give up on their resolutions sometime in February. Instead of making your resolutions for the whole year, make a resolution for each month of the year. For example, if you want to become a better cook, you might resolve to make a new dish twice a week in January. At the end of the month, you will have eight new dishes in your repertoire, and you can focus on other things in February.

Research

Before committing to a resolution, research it as much as possible to find resources to help you. For example, if you want to start doing yoga, look into classes in the area, check out YouTube (Yoga by Adriene is awesome and accessible, by the way), and read some background information so you have a better understanding. Researching into your resolutions makes you more invested in them and keeps them at the forefront of your mind.

Reflect

When making your resolutions, think about your accomplishments over the past year, as well as things you would like to improve in your life and about yourself. Below are some questions to help you reflect on what you want out of your resolutions.

Questions for Self-Reflection

  • In what ways have you changed over the past year?
  • What 2016 accomplishments are you proud of?
  • This time next year, how you would like to answer the above questions?
  • What could you work on within yourself? What are your biggest obstacles to change?
  • What makes you feel fulfilled and happy?
  • How do you feel about your physical health? Your mental health? Your emotional health?
  • Who are the most important people in your life? How do you feel about your relationships with them? What could you do to improve them?
  • How could you deepen your spiritual life?
  • How could you improve your financial well-being?
  • What would you like to accomplish professionally this year?
  • What creative outlets do you have? How could you enrich your creativity?

Strategies For Sticking With It

Establish accountability

Accountability makes humans actually do things because we don’t want to let anyone down. Use the power of social pressure to keep yourself moving towards your goals. You can get a buddy to commit to the resolution with, or you could start a social media account or blog to track your progress. Anyway you can establish accountability, do it.

Embrace failure

Brace yourself for the first of many Brené Brown quotes that will be featured on this blog:

“Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”

You aren’t going to be perfect with your resolutions. Making the choice to change doesn’t mean it is going to happen overnight, and you will stumble along the way. Forgive yourself your failures and get back up and try again.

Write them down

You are more likely to stick to your resolutions when you write them down because it makes them more tangible when you see them on paper. This also makes you more focused and committed to your goals, and makes it easier to remember them. Don’t try to just remember your resolutions; make them real and write them down.

Remind yourself

Just writing your resolutions on a piece of paper and sticking it in a drawer isn’t going to be enough to keep your goals on your mind. There are several ways you can keep reminding yourself of your resolutions. You could hang them next to your mirror as a daily nudge to keep at it, or schedule out specific tasks on your phone calendar so you are regularly getting automated reminders. Keep your resolutions at the forefront of your mind, and you will be more likely to achieve them.

Regardless of whether or not you succeed in your resolutions, I hope 2017 brings happiness, good health, and peace for you all. Happy New Year!

Ginzo