Should I Break Up With My Live-In Boyfriend?

Dear Ginzo,

I currently live with my boyfriend, and while I love him, I am wondering whether or not our relationship is meant to be. We moved in together basically because he wanted to move out of his parents’ house and my lease was up with my old roommate who I did not get along with. It was just good timing for both of us but now it’s been 6 months and I am not sure whether or not it’s something that I was really ready for or we were ready for in our relationship. He is a good boyfriend but not a good roommate, he’s very messy and he expects me to cook and clean for him like his mom always did. And anytime I talk to him about this, or really any problem we have, he ends up just becoming really withdrawn and sullen and won’t talk to me. I still love him but living with him has made me realize he is way less mature than me. It’s starting to impact our relationship so much I am just not as attracted to him. I am just not really sure what to do. We still have another 6 months on our lease so I kind of want to just suck it up and stick it out and see if it gets better before then and part of me thinks that I just want to break up with him.

The Man I Live With Is Not The Man I Fell In Love With

I’m sorry this living arrangement has proven to be so unpleasant. It’s true that you really never know someone until you live with them, and sometimes, you don’t like what you find out. I also understand that a lease makes you feel like you are trapped in the relationship because if you were to break up, you either live together in awkward (dis)harmony or one or both of you figures out a way to move out, which probably sounds pretty daunting.

But here’s the thing: Yes, figuring out a new living situation and finding a subleaser and telling all your friends and family and all the scary, frustrating, sad, and annoying things that go along with breaking up with someone you live with would not be enjoyable. But in two years, are you going to look back and think, “Man, am I glad that I didn’t have to deal with the inconvenience of moving. Thank God I stayed in that dead-end relationship!” It’s one thing to try to make it work because you love him, it’s another to stay because you are scared of change. If your lease ended next week, would you still be thinking about staying with him? Or would you like, “Hallelujah! To a one-bedroom I go!” If the only reason you are even thinking of staying with him is the lease, end it now. Don’t waste your time and energy on being with someone you don’t want to be with. You only get one life; why spend it with someone who makes you miserable?

Don’t waste your time and energy on being with someone you don’t want to be with. You only get one life; why spend it with someone who makes you miserable?

That being said, if you still love him and want to be with him, try working it out. Yes, I agree that your boyfriend’s behavior is immature, but immaturity is something that can change. If he has only ever lived with his parents, he hasn’t been smacked in the face with the reality of living with people other than the ones who will forgive you for anything you do because they created you. If you weren’t his girlfriend and were instead, say, a Craigslist rando, he probably would have had his toothbrush dunked in the toilet by now. It shouldn’t be your job to teach him common courtesy, but if you want to be with him, you will have to help him work through his ignorance.
This will be work. This involves negotiating, enforcing your boundaries, practicing patience, forgiving him when he forgets things/doesn’t do things the way you would, and being completely honest with him, even when he withdraws. If he’s worth the work, best of luck to you. If he’s not, in the immortal words of Beyonce, “Boy, bye.”

XOXO,
Ginzo

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FYI About Posting Schedule

Hi all,

I figured it might be helpful to let you know my schedule for responding to your letters. I work a full-time job so my personal writing time is generally on Saturdays and Tuesdays. So if you write a letter to me during the week, look out for it one of those days! If your need for advice is time-sensitive, let me know in your letter and I will try my best to respond sooner. Alright, I am off to write!

XOXO,

Ginzo

A Note About Names

Hey y’all! I had someone reach out and ask about the anonymity issue, as on my Contact page, you are required to put a name. For the record, you do not have to put your actual name in this slot. It’s part of the form because I would like at least a way to address you, but if you prefer to be anonymous, you do not have to put a real name – even “Anonymous” is fine. I encourage you to get creative with it if you like! You can refer to my past posts to see what other people did, or just go with the name you always wished your parents had named you but of course they didn’t because they failed you so many times (yeah maybe write in and we can talk about that BTW). You can even just ask me to come up with a name for you in the letter. No pressure to tell me who you really are! Bless the internet for making this possible. Write in if you need advice – either email me at askginzo@gmail.com or go on and submit through the Contact page, anonymously or otherwise.

XOXO,

Ginzo

How to Write New Year’s Resolutions

I love New Year’s resolutions. People are quick to point out how often we fail to accomplish them, but I don’t think that fear of failure should hold you back from this helpful exercise (or doing anything, really). I have failed to achieve many resolutions, but at minimum, thinking about what I wanted to accomplish helped me to live a more intentional life and gain greater perspective on my life. This New Year’s Day, I hope you are taking some time to reflect on what you want to accomplish this year. If you are, I have put together this handy guide to making the most of your New Year’s resolutions.

Picking Your Resolutions

Pick realistic and specific goals

Making resolutions that are too lofty or vague guarantees that you aren’t going to accomplish them. Don’t resolve to exercise on a daily basis when you rarely do now; that isn’t realistic. Instead, work yourself up to that goal by exercising once a week, then adding more days as you go.

Additionally, if your resolutions are too general, it’s harder to stick to them because you don’t have a specific measure of success. If you want to read more, for example, pick exactly how often you will read and for how long. If you have overarching goals, such as becoming a better flutist, make more specific goals that contribute to it, like playing the flute for 15 minutes every day or joining a flute interest group (that’s a thing, right?).

Make a resolution a month

A year is a long time to keep focused on a goal, as evidenced by the fact that most people give up on their resolutions sometime in February. Instead of making your resolutions for the whole year, make a resolution for each month of the year. For example, if you want to become a better cook, you might resolve to make a new dish twice a week in January. At the end of the month, you will have eight new dishes in your repertoire, and you can focus on other things in February.

Research

Before committing to a resolution, research it as much as possible to find resources to help you. For example, if you want to start doing yoga, look into classes in the area, check out YouTube (Yoga by Adriene is awesome and accessible, by the way), and read some background information so you have a better understanding. Researching into your resolutions makes you more invested in them and keeps them at the forefront of your mind.

Reflect

When making your resolutions, think about your accomplishments over the past year, as well as things you would like to improve in your life and about yourself. Below are some questions to help you reflect on what you want out of your resolutions.

Questions for Self-Reflection

  • In what ways have you changed over the past year?
  • What 2016 accomplishments are you proud of?
  • This time next year, how you would like to answer the above questions?
  • What could you work on within yourself? What are your biggest obstacles to change?
  • What makes you feel fulfilled and happy?
  • How do you feel about your physical health? Your mental health? Your emotional health?
  • Who are the most important people in your life? How do you feel about your relationships with them? What could you do to improve them?
  • How could you deepen your spiritual life?
  • How could you improve your financial well-being?
  • What would you like to accomplish professionally this year?
  • What creative outlets do you have? How could you enrich your creativity?

Strategies For Sticking With It

Establish accountability

Accountability makes humans actually do things because we don’t want to let anyone down. Use the power of social pressure to keep yourself moving towards your goals. You can get a buddy to commit to the resolution with, or you could start a social media account or blog to track your progress. Anyway you can establish accountability, do it.

Embrace failure

Brace yourself for the first of many Brené Brown quotes that will be featured on this blog:

“Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”

You aren’t going to be perfect with your resolutions. Making the choice to change doesn’t mean it is going to happen overnight, and you will stumble along the way. Forgive yourself your failures and get back up and try again.

Write them down

You are more likely to stick to your resolutions when you write them down because it makes them more tangible when you see them on paper. This also makes you more focused and committed to your goals, and makes it easier to remember them. Don’t try to just remember your resolutions; make them real and write them down.

Remind yourself

Just writing your resolutions on a piece of paper and sticking it in a drawer isn’t going to be enough to keep your goals on your mind. There are several ways you can keep reminding yourself of your resolutions. You could hang them next to your mirror as a daily nudge to keep at it, or schedule out specific tasks on your phone calendar so you are regularly getting automated reminders. Keep your resolutions at the forefront of your mind, and you will be more likely to achieve them.

Regardless of whether or not you succeed in your resolutions, I hope 2017 brings happiness, good health, and peace for you all. Happy New Year!

Ginzo