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Using the 5 Love Languages for Self-Love

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A few months ago, I wrote about Using the Five Love Languages During Quarantine. While unfortunately, this information is still relevant, as I was writing that piece, I found myself thinking of ways you could give yourself some love during this time too. I finally circled back around to that idea and compiled a list of ideas for how you can use your love language to give yourself love right now. If you don’t already know your love language, I recommend taking the quiz to find out. 

Physical Touch

If your love language is physical touch, this year has been rough for you, particularly if you don’t live with anyone you can be intimate with. Make sure you’re giving yourself lots of space to feel the emotions that come up for you right now. Though you might not be able to get the cuddles you want from another person, there are actually many ways to give yourself physical affection. 

  • Massage yourself. Massage is a wonderful way to give yourself some love. There are a lot of self-massagers you can buy (I personally have a Muscle Hook) but your hands are completely sufficient for massaging much of your body. I recommend using oil as well for a fully sensual experience. 
  • Sit in the sun. The warmth of the sun feels like the whole world is hugging you. Try spending time in the sun for at least five minutes a day (don’t forget the SPF). 
  • Masturbate. You don’t need a partner to experience sexual pleasure, and even if you do have a partner, there’s nothing wrong with touching yourself. Masturbating is natural, healthy, and fun. Now is a great time to get creative and experiment with new sensations, fantasies, and toys. 
  • Take a hot bath or shower. A warm bath may boost oxytocin production, the “love hormone.” Try making this a special event with candles, relaxing music, and a delightful bath bomb (my favorite local soap store has a wonderful selection of CBD bath bombs). 
  • Invest in a weighted blanket. This is an expensive purchase, but one that can be very comforting if your love language is physical touch. Lying under a weighted blanket is grounding in a similar way to being held by someone you love. 

Words of Affirmation

Luckily, no matter how far away you are from someone, you can still express how you feel about them. Even if you are getting plenty of words of affirmation from people you care about (and I really hope you are), you still deserve that love from yourself. Here are some ideas for using words of affirmation for self-love. 

 

  • Leave yourself love notes. I recently started writing notes to myself on my white board to help pump me up every week. It’s wonderful to have a tangible reminder that regardless of what I am going through, I can rely on myself to be loving and supportive. 
  • Compliment yourself in the mirror. You deserve to be regularly reminded of all your great qualities. Whenever you pass by a mirror, try giving yourself a compliment and see how it makes you feel. 
  • Write yourself a letter. Did you ever have a teacher that had you write a letter to your future self? This exercise can actually be a great way to practice self-love. Write yourself a letter, put it in a drawer, and open it when you need to hear some words of affirmation. 
  • Journal. Journaling is a powerful way to have a conversation with yourself. Try journaling around self-love themes, such as, “What’s something I love about myself?”
  • Try affirmations. The way you talk to yourself matters, and affirmations are a simple way to be positive about yourself every day. 

 

Acts of Service

If your love language is acts of service, it might be hard for you to imagine how to use this on yourself. After all, doing something for yourself isn’t taking it off your plate. That may be true, but you can do favors for your future self as a way to show love. 

 

  • Make your bed every day. This is such a simple way to make your living space more pleasant. Making your bed in the mornings is a gift to your sleepy bedtime self later.  
  • Meal prep. Meal prepping is probably the one habit that has single-handedly changed my self-care game (you can find out more about that journey through this piece I wrote for Workweek Lunch). Even something as simple as prepping your breakfasts for the next few days can significantly reduce your stress. 
  • Get grocery delivery/pick up. Some weeks, you simply don’t want to deal with the grocery store. That’s when delivery or pick up can be a game changer. 
  • Plan your week. I like to keep it simple by writing out everything I want to accomplish on Sunday evening and scheduling it out through the week, but you can do this however works best for you. 
  • Go to therapy. Therapy is an investment in your mental health. Whether you have a mental health condition or not, you can benefit from having a safe space for emotional processing. 

 

Gifts

The love language of gifts is about having tangible proof that you are seen. Gifts make you feel loved when they’re thoughtful, and this is true whether they’re gifts from others or yourself. When using this love language, it’s important to be intentional. Spending recklessly to make yourself feel better is not the same thing as buying yourself something that will bring you joy again and again. 

 

  • Invest in your health. How you spend your money reflects your values. Spending money on your health (whatever that looks like for you) demonstrates how much you care about your own wellbeing. 
  • Make a budget. This is not the most exciting idea, but it is impactful. When you know exactly where your money is going and where you want it to go, you can spend on yourself without guilt, knowing that you are living within your means. 
  • Craft. You not only get a physical gift from crafting, you are also gifted the meditative and creative benefits of making something. 
  • Save for a vacation. Or to any other goal you have. Every time you save towards a goal, you are giving a wonderful gift to your future self. 

 

Quality Time 

Personally, I have had a lot of time to myself the last six months, and through this, I have come to truly understand the difference between quality time with yourself and simply being alone. When I am sitting and scrolling through social media, that’s not quality time, the same way it wouldn’t be if I was with someone else. Focus on activities that make you feel closer to yourself. 

 

  • Self-date night. You truly don’t need another person to go on a date. Make yourself dinner, light some candles, listen to your favorite music, and you don’t even have to share dessert. 
  • Pick up a new hobby. When you’re starting a new hobby, you get a lot of great quality time alone to learn. 
  • Meditate. If meditation isn’t your jam, try simply being mindful during another activity, like eating, dancing, or cooking. 
  • Schedule rest. It’s easy to get caught up in people-pleasing, to-do lists, and the need to be productive. Actively schedule time for rest so you can enjoy some stress-free time for yourself. 

 

Using the 5 Love Languages in Quarantine

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Through his best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman brought an important idea to the forefront of popular culture — people express and receive love in different ways. Whether it’s words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, or quality time, most people have one or two dominant “love languages” they use to communicate affection. 

If you don’t already know your love language, I’d recommend taking the quiz to find out. Knowing your own love language, as well as the love language of your partner, your children, and your other close companions, can be enormously helpful to form deeper, stronger relationships. 

That being said, some love languages are easier to use than others during the current pandemic. This is especially frustrating because what we need more than ever is to feel love and connection. To address this gap, I have put together this humble list of suggestions. 

Physical Touch

This is the most difficult primary love language to have right now, so I want to give a long, warm virtual hug to these folks right now. Physical touch is one of my love languages, and as someone who lives alone, this has been an exceptionally difficult time. Like at one point, I ordered Indian food and when the delivery driver was especially nice over text, I thought to myself, “Maybe we will fall in love now!” We didn’t.

It’s a lonely time for physical touch folks, and nothing will replace the life-giving hugs you will exchange after social distancing guidelines end. In the meantime, here are some ideas for how you can support your touch-loving friends. 

  • Send them something warm and fuzzy that smells like you. It will almost feel like being held by you. 
  • Gift them things that are pleasurable to touch — silk scarves or one of those incredibly soft microfiber blankets, for example. 
  • Send them things they can use for a spa day, like bath bombs, a massager, or a face mask. Pampering releases oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.”
  • Make eye contact with them. This one might seem weird, but hear me out. Eye contact is physically intimate without requiring physical touch. If you can’t be in the same place, try looking directly at the camera over video chat so it feels like they’re looking into your eyes. To be honest, I have no idea if this will work, but it’s worth a shot!
  • Try virtual touch. For someone you’re sexually intimate with, there is obviously sexting (VERY IMPORTANT: consent is ALWAYS mandatory, even virtually, so don’t send explicit messages or photos out of the blue. I will yeet you into the sun if I find out you did this). But even in a platonic relationship, you could say, “I am sending you a virtual hug!” or “I would love to play with your hair right now!” Will it feel weird? Maybe! But if there is any moment to try something new and weird, it’s now. 

Words of Affirmation 

Unable to see their loved ones in person, many people are learning for the first time how to verbally express affection, and it’s beautiful to see. This is my secondary love language so this is at least a small comfort for me. I am naturally effusive when it comes to people I love, and it has been nice to have more of that energy directed back towards me. 

That being said, there are only so many times you can say “I love you” and truly placate your words of affirmations friends. Tell me WHY, and don’t leave out any details! Here are some things to try to switch it up. 

  • Send them a card or letter expressing how much you value them. This will be treasured for a literal lifetime. 
  • Record a voice memo listing all of your favorite of their qualities. Hearing your voice lends a more personal touch to your loving words. 
  • Text them something you miss about them every day to give them a daily dose of love. 
  • Give them a pep talk. In these uncertain times, there is a lot of anxiety and self-doubt blooming, so your loved one may benefit most from a solid boost. 
  • Shout them out on social media. There’s nothing like a virtual public display of affection to make someone feel important. 

Acts of Service

When it comes to love, these people want to be shown, not told. We have all heard that actions speak louder than words, and people whose love language is acts of service have taken this to heart (literally). The classic example of an act of service is doing your partner’s least favorite chore for them. This, of course, is a lot trickier if you’re not currently quarantined with your loved one. Fortunately, there are plenty of actions you can take to communicate your love.

  • Pick up groceries for them and drop them at their front door. Right now, shopping is a harrowing experience, so this would be a significant act of love for many. 
  • Take one logistic off their plate. We’re all dealing with lifestyle changes that may be overwhelming. See if there is some kind of logistical problem you can help them with, such as planning a virtual happy hour or finding where they can buy more face masks for their children. 
  • Send them a meal. We’re all sick of cooking now, right? Sending their favorite takeout to their door is a great way to show that you care. 
  • Make them a playlist of podcasts to listen to. You could also give them a playlist of songs, a list of movies to watch, or a list of books to read. All of these would take away some of the burden of decision fatigue. 
  • Look for ways you can make their day easier. If you’re not sure what you can do for your loved one, pay attention to the struggles that they are facing. If they’re unemployed and looking for a job, for example, you might offer to edit their resume or send them job listings. What is the biggest difficulty they are currently facing? Is there anything you can do about it? Even if you can’t think of anything yourself, you can simply ask them, “How can I make your life easier today?”

Gifts

While it may seem like giving gifts is the easiest love language on this list during the pandemic, this love language is arguably the most misunderstood. Often considered “materialistic,” I have found that many people shy away from identifying with this love language for fear of being considered greedy. In reality, people who equate gifts with love care more about the intention behind the gift than the money spent. Gifts serve as a reminder of how much they are loved, regardless of price tag. 

Gifts are both easy and hard right now. They’re easy because we are able to send things to one another’s doors. They’re hard because whether you are struggling financially or they are, money can be a sensitive topic. Here are some ideas that don’t necessarily require you to spend a lot of money that can still have an impact. 

  • Use your creative gifts. If you’re a crafter, make them a picture frame for a picture of you together. If you’re a musician, try writing them a song. These types of gifts are often the most well-loved because of the time and attention required to put them together. 
  • Pay for them to take a class in a skill they have always wanted to master. There are tons of discounted online classes right now (check out Udemy), and this type of gift empowers them to work on their own development. 
  • Send them a book you think they’ll like. Choose something from your collection that you enjoy talking about. 
  • Gift them their favorite treat. It was recently my birthday, and my friends were kind enough to fill my kitchen with delicious sweet things. Speaking from this experience, these made me feel very loved and gave me something to look forward to. 

Quality Time

People whose love language is quality time feel most important and special to someone when their loved one simply wants to be with them. It doesn’t matter how this manifests — the emphasis here is truly on quality rather than time. A half-hour conversation with your full attention is more impactful than a two-hour hang where you’re staring at your phone most of the time. 

Quality time is tough during social distancing. Video chatting simply isn’t the same as sitting in the same room. Fortunately, though it isn’t ideal, technology has enabled us to make due for now. 

  • Watch your favorite show together. This works great for shows on live TV because it gives you a special time every week to set aside for each other. 
  • Play games. You can play your favorite video game online together, or download an app like Houseparty. 
  • Do a virtual book club. Pick a book and a few of your favorite pals and read together. 
  • Do a challenge together. There are a ton of challenges that you can do together, such as doing yoga every day for 30 days. 
  • Share a remote meal together. Order food from the same place and eat at the same time to almost feel like you’re out to dinner.

I hope these help you communicate your love to the people who matter the most to you during this time. Stay healthy, stay safe, and stay connected.

This PTSD Awareness Month, Stop Joking That You’re “Triggered”

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It’s PTSD Awareness Month, which means it’s the perfect time for me to school some fools on a condition that, unfortunately, I have. You may have noticed a lot of people on the internet making jokes about being “triggered” over small annoyances or insignificant issues. What you may or may not realize it that this is a psychological term that describes a symptom of PTSD. 

I am losing respect for people left and right when they use this term sarcastically, so it’s time for me to stop staring at them blankly and start telling them the truth. When you say you’re “triggered” when you mean you’re offended, you sound ignorant at best, and at worst, you sound like a malicious asshat. 

What is PTSD? 

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that occurs after a traumatic event. PTSD is most commonly associated with war veterans and sexual assault survivors, but there are many different experiences that can prompt PTSD. Events such as natural disasters, car accidents, the unexpected death of a loved one, or even just hearing about a traumatic incident experienced by someone you care about can cause PTSD symptoms. 

Some common symptoms of PTSD include: 

  • Nightmares
  • Low mood
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Paranoia/distrust of others 
  • Social isolation
  • Irritability 
  • Severe anxiety 
  • Avoiding places, people, and events that remind you of the traumatic incident 
  • Flashbacks — feeling like you are experiencing the traumatic incident all over again
  • Hypervigilance — being easily startled, feeling “on edge” 
  • Dissociation — feeling separated from your body, unable to be present in your surroundings

Note that you can also have PTSD symptoms that cannot be attributed to one specific event. This is referred to as Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). People are diagnosed with C-PTSD when they are exposed to trauma repeatedly over the course of months or even years. 

Combat survivors, victims of abuse, people recovering from years of childhood neglect… yeah, these are great targets for your humor and disdain (insert sarcastic tone here).

What is a Trigger?

A trigger is a sight, sound, smell, or thought that is a reminder of trauma and prompts PTSD symptoms to present. Specific triggers vary from person to person. Some are predictable, the way the Kavanaugh hearings were so triggering for sexual assault survivors for obvious reasons. They can also be something entirely unexpected. 

For example, the night I was assaulted, I passed by a swim school sign on my way to my attacker’s apartment. For the first few months afterward, I avoided that intersection like the plague. If I did accidentally pass that sign, I would be instantly thrown back to that night. Two years and countless hours of treatment later, I am usually unaffected when I happen to pass by that sign. However, every once and a while when I am already feeling anxious, a trigger like that might put me over the edge. Such is the joy of living with this super hilarious mental illness (some more sarcasm for you).

What It Feels Like to Be Triggered

Being triggered is a physiological response. You don’t choose to be triggered. It’s not being deeply offended by some minor slight. It’s your body’s arousal system going into hyper drive. 

Let’s say you’re going about your day totally normally. You might be in the grocery store, or out with friends, or even just hanging out at home, when it hits you out of nowhere. You heard a song that was playing while you were being assaulted, or one of your friends comes up behind you and startles you, or there is a car accident on TV. 

The exact symptoms that show up might vary. Some might experience a flashback and they feel like they are taken back in time to the traumatic event. Others might be suddenly consumed with a desire to run, to hide, or even to die to get away from the feelings they are experiencing. Physical symptoms like racing heart, shallow breathing, and chest pain are also common. 

I personally find dissociation to be the worst. I feel completely removed from a situation even if I’m physically there. I can be surrounded by close friends and I can’t feel their love at all. I am completely alone. It’s the most frustrating and isolating feeling, like you’re sitting behind glass watching the world go by. 

Unfortunately, I am more likely to be triggered in big groups of people, so parties are hit or miss for me. I have to be in the right mental state or I will get the floating-above-my-head feeling and have to roll out early. This is further isolating and has prevented me from having deeper relationships with a lot of people I’d love to get to know more. Fortunately, my close friends are completely understanding when I need to bail on social gatherings. I just wish I didn’t have to miss out as much as I do. 

Why Do People Say They Are “Triggered” as a Joke?

The most gracious version of myself believes that people make this joke because they don’t know better. They probably heard their friends or someone on the internet say it, and figured it would be an amusing turn-of-phrase to pick up without really knowing the source of the term. 

Of course, there is also a political aspect to it. There are people who are under the impression that “triggered” is a term created by “social justice warriors” who “can’t take a joke.” These are the people who are under the impression that people who are “triggered” like playing the victim and are just searching for offense wherever they go. This is how they are able to dismiss people who experience oppression from sexism, racism, ableism, transphobia, and other insidious prejudices as “overreacting.” 

These are not the people I am trying to reach by writing this article. My assumption is that if you’ve made it this far, you’re either already on board or you are genuinely curious and open to change. To you I will say, you do not want to be associated with these people. You care about others. You don’t want to cause unnecessary harm. There are way more hilarious jokes to make. Find them and leave this one for the intentionally hateful. 

Why Do I Care?

You might still wonder why it even matters if people co-opt this term. I’m sure there are other people with PTSD who really DGAF if anyone says “triggered.” There are certainly other things that I find more important in the world of PTSD advocacy, like making sure that people have access to treatments that work for them. 

Most of the time, when I hear this term used as a joke, I can roll my eyes and move on with my day. But on some level, it always hurts me to hear someone be so casual and ignorant about something that has profoundly impacted my life, relationships, and wellbeing. Though I am not triggered nearly as frequently as I used to be (from every day when I was first diagnosed versus maybe once every few months now), I still have to build my daily life and future around the reality of this condition. When someone says they’re “triggered” over something absolutely idiotic, I just think to myself, “If you knew what it was really like, you wouldn’t find it funny at all.”

Beyond that, language matters. The words we hear subconsciously create beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. You don’t know who is listening and what type of shame they may feel when you use the word “triggered” in such a contemptuous way, shame that may prevent them from getting the help they need. 

The stigma of having a mental illness is heavy enough. There is no reason for you to contribute with a highly unoriginal and distinctly unfunny joke. If you do nothing else this June, resolve to leave the word “triggered” behind, except when you are helping someone with PTSD. Choose compassion over lazy humor, my friends. 

Resources

If you are interested in learning more about PTSD, or if you or someone you love is experiencing PTSD, here are some resources that may help. 

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman

National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

NAMI PTSD Help Guide

Mindfulness for Trauma Recovery

Neuroplasticity: The Key to Breaking Free From Old Patterns

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Do you ever feel like you’re on a hamster wheel, making the same bad decisions over and over again? Maybe you repeat toxic relationship dynamics with different partners. Maybe you think mean things about yourself. Maybe you are constantly late to everything, causing you stress. You know these thoughts and behaviors aren’t helping you, but they’re ingrained. You just can’t help it. 

Humans are creatures of habit, and for the most part, we should be grateful for this fact. Habits are an adaptive neurological strategy to ensure that we do things without having to put in much effort and energy into motivating us. While this is helpful in some ways, not all patterns of behavior are ones we wish to keep repeating. Yet we feel resigned to them. So how do you break free of old patterns?

Simple, my friend: science. 

Using Neuroplasticity to Your Advantage

We’ve all heard that people don’t change. This is true to some degree: we are wired to be the way that we are. Our actions, emotions, and feelings create neural connections in the brain. Whenever we repeat them, the synapses are activated, and this strengthens them the more frequently we reinforce them. 

This means that while you may be wired to think and act in a certain way, you don’t have to keep strengthening the same patterns. By behaving and thinking differently, you form new connections. This adaptable quality of our brains is called neuroplasticity.

I personally love the idea of neuroplasticity. I like to yell, “NEUROPLASTICITY!” at myself whenever I am feeling resigned to a negative habit. It’s not only fun to say, it helps me remember that I am not stuck behaving in a certain way. My brain can change, therefore, I can change. 

If you constantly think to yourself, “I am unworthy of love,” that thought is wired into your brain. On the other hand, if you challenge that thought and think to yourself, “I am worthy of love,” it creates a new connection. Every time you reinforce that connection, it strengthens, until it replaces the previous negative thought. Ta da! You have formed a positive belief about yourself! Congrats!

Be Patient

That being said, this is not something that will happen overnight. You may have heard the statistic that it takes 60 days to form a habit, but the reality is, it can take a lot longer than that.  

That’s the main reason why people struggle to change so much: it takes time and consistency. You need to activate that synapse very often to form an enduring connection. Have patience with yourself. You didn’t fall into this pattern overnight, which is why you can’t climb out of it overnight. Give your brain time to rewire itself, and it will. 

Understand Your “Why”

To maintain the commitment necessary to overcome an unhelpful pattern, you need to have the right motivation. The right reason for changing will help get you through the initial discomfort of trying something new.  

Let’s say you really want to find a monogamous romantic relationship, but you keep dating people who are not looking for commitment. Maybe it started with your first partner and now the cycle is on repeat. You always seem to find yourself in “situationships” with people who can’t commit. They may even straight up tell you that they’re emotionally unavailable, and on some level, this may even intensify your attraction to them. Your brain is used to going after unavailable people, so this is part of your natural wiring. 

Breaking away from this pattern requires focusing your energy on emotionally available people, and this might be a turn-off for you initially. Someone expressing interest in your inner world, wanting to spend time with you, and being responsive to your needs might leave you feeling uneasy. Finding someone you connect with doesn’t happen overnight, just the way changing your habits doesn’t either. This can lead to a perfect storm where you go running back to the unavailable person you were chasing after before. 

This is when it’s essential to understand why you want to break this pattern. Saying “to find love” is not enough. This leaves you plenty of room to fill in the blanks about what that means, and waiting two days for a text back is not it. Be as specific as possible about what you are trying to accomplish and what that looks like for your daily life. In this example, write out all the qualities you want in a partner and what you want that partnership to look like. Read it every day and add more as you learn from your experience. This can help you to stay motivated to pursue people who fulfill these qualifies, and stay away from those who don’t. 

It’s worthwhile to note that this issue is probably due to a whole series of beliefs about yourself and what you deserve, and therefore, it may not be as simple as this. It may be beneficial for you to try cognitive behavioral therapy, which guides you through the process of challenging negative thought patterns with the help of a licensed therapist. 

Progress, Not Perfection

Perfectionism is the quickest way to kill all your efforts. Let’s say you’re trying to stop hitting snooze three times in the morning. You jump up with your alarm every day for four days, then the morning of the fifth day, you’re hitting snooze again. For many people, this is where their efforts are sabotaged. They’ve failed. Neuroplasticity be damned. That neural connection is lost forever. Better stay in bed and never leave. 

You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, you won’t be. You will fail. You will hit snooze again. But that doesn’t mean that all is lost. Instead of trying to get it perfect every time, see where you have room to improve just slightly. For example, try only hitting snooze twice for two weeks. Then, see if you can only hit it once for another two weeks. Then give not hitting it at all a try. It may be a less linear process than you’d like — that’s okay. Even if you sometimes stimulate the “hit snooze button three times” neural connection, you can still strengthen the “wake up with your alarm” connection every time you choose to. 

Get Support 

Breaking out of an old pattern is a lot of work. The good news is, you don’t have to do it alone. Talk to someone about what you’re trying to accomplish. Get the support of your friends and family. Post on social media for accountability. Again, cognitive behavioral therapy is always an option. Regardless of who you reach out to, do it. No one has to walk this path alone. 

Do I Have An Anxiety Disorder?

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I have lived with anxiety most of my life, so when I was first diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), my mind was blown. You mean there are people out there who aren’t constantly worrying? What’s that like?

I have spent a lot of time contemplating what these people think about with all that extra space in their brains. How would I ever fill the time? Would I finally have the mental real estate to learn a new language? Unlock the secret to world peace? Or would I fail to live up to these expectations, proving that it isn’t my anxiety holding me back, but an inherent lack of worth? And now I’m anxious and depressed.

If you can relate, you may now be worrying that you have an anxiety disorder. I am not going to tell you not to worry because that’s probably the least helpful thing you can say to someone who is already worrying (oh, why didn’t I think of that? Everything is better, thank you!).

I will say two things: one, try not to diagnose yourself on the internet. Especially if you are inclined towards anxiety, you have probably already diagnosed yourself with cancer multiple times like I have. The best thing you can do is talk to some sort of healthcare professional who can guide you to the right resources. While anxiety is generally self-diagnosable, the last thing I want is for you to take this blog post as an excuse not to see a medical professional for treatment. I know I have all the symptoms, why would I bother? Because anxiety is a real ailment that impacts your life and wellbeing and should receive equal medical attention as a physical health condition.

Two, try to have hope. Anxiety disorders are the most prevalent mental health disorders in the U.S., affecting around 40 million people, and they are also highly treatable. This means that you’re not alone, and you have options.

Signs You May Need Professional Help for Your Anxiety

You feel out of control.

Does it feel like you have no control over how you think, feel, and/or behave? Maybe you are so consumed with anxious thoughts that you didn’t hear a single thing that went on in that meeting. Perhaps you are feeling so fearful and sad that you cancel all your plans with your friends, leaving them concerned. You might know that you have to go to your property management company to pay rent, but the idea of talking to a stranger makes you so nervous that you can’t make yourself go. If you feel like your anxiety is controlling you, you might benefit from professional help.

You’re feeling physical symptoms of anxiety.

You might be able to identify your anxiety by certain mental symptoms. For instance, you may recognize that you are obsessing over something. But many people don’t realize that even if they aren’t thinking about something that makes them anxious, anxiety can manifest in physical ways.

Remember that your body and mind are not really separate. What you think impacts how your body feels, and what your body feels impacts how you think. Even if you are pushing anxious thoughts down and in denial about how you feel, your body knows, and will tell you in ways you can’t ignore. If you’re experiencing symptoms such as heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, a heavy feeling on your chest, or digestive issues, listen to your body and seek help.

Everyone is getting on your nerves.

Does it seem like everyone is annoying you recently? Chances are, you haven’t suddenly found yourself surrounded by assholes — irritability is actually a symptom of anxiety. This one can be tough to deal with, but I have found it can be a helpful indication that something is going on for me. If my friend is talking and I am finding myself getting annoyed by them for no apparent reason, generally, this is because my anxiety wants my attention too. So I try to pause for a moment and think back to what exactly is distracting me from this conversation.

You can’t sleep.

Again, this could be your body’s way of telling you something is up. I can’t even tell you how many times this has happened: I am exhausted by 6 p.m. I am complaining to everyone I know how tired I am and how much I can’t wait to go to bed. Then bedtime rolls around, and I am doing everything I can to avoid it. Suddenly I have to organize my Tupperware right then or I won’t be able to do anything the next day. I have to make more progress on the book I am reading so that I can return it to my friend in a timely manner so they don’t think I am a slow reader (and maybe they will even call me a fast reader, which is a comment that I find very flattering for some reason). My phone is a fascinating portal that I must fall down for hours instead of sleep.

On my healthiest days, I recognize that I am having some anxiety, take my anxiety med, journal about it, and do my best to set aside my worries for another day. Regardless of what will work for you, talking to a specialist about your anxiety may help you get better sleep.

You avoid social situations.

Sometimes, there is nothing better than the sweet sound of your phone buzzing to let you know that your plans have been cancelled. Wanting alone time, or even preferring it, is not in itself a sign of anxiety.

However, if you’re always dodging Facebook invites out of fear, or you spend social situations analyzing your every movement with a critical eye, you could have social anxiety.

Many people are surprised to learn that I struggle with social anxiety. I have a management position at a 600+ person company and I was the president or my sorority senior year, so I can see why people who don’t know me that well get confused when I say this.

On the outside, I appear very socially easy. I am not trying to brag but, I’m likable. I know how to make people feel good and I am very go-with-the-flow, so I don’t tend to cause much conflict. On the inside of my brain, however, my anxious brain is often going a mile a minute. In times when my social anxiety is really bad, I have felt like I was reading people’s minds, and they were thinking awful things about me.

After years of therapy, I have come to a place where I can identify when my socially anxious thoughts are irrational. I can give myself a mean mirror pep talk at this point. The thoughts are still there, but I just don’t give them the weight that I used to. It has taken a lot of patience and practice, but it’s possible to cope with social anxiety.

If you feel like you can relate to any of these signs, it’s a good idea to talk to someone about them. I personally recommend connecting with a licensed counselor, and if you need help finding one, I have written a guide on how to find a therapist. If you’re experiencing physical symptoms, it’s also wise to consult with your doctor who can help rule out any medical causes of your anxiety.

Anxiety sucks, but it’s manageable once you figure out the right treatment for you. The key is to be patient with yourself and celebrate even the small victories. If you have any tips for getting anxiety treatment, I would love to hear from you in the comments!

What Do I Do If My Partner Doesn’t Change?

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Dearest Ginzo,

We all have things that we could work on and change. It’s tough to do, but it’s easier when it’s just us and harder when we’re expecting our loved ones to make the changes. In my example, my partner has been incredibly receptive to my feelings and thoughts about our relationship, and they’ve stated that they’re willing to work on these things to better both themselves and our relationship.

I know that change takes time, and I don’t want to ask too much (nor too little). How do I find the balance of expecting a person to change some of their behaviors? What’s reasonable, what should I look for, and what do I do if change just isn’t happening in the way I want it to?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Dear Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes,

I’m glad that you and your partner are able to talk about your concerns about the relationship, and that they have been open minded. Every relationship faces challenges, but the ones that work out are the ones where both partners are willing to talk about them and weather the storm together.

My therapist once told me, “You can’t change other people, but you can change the way you respond to them.” Clearly, you are aware that you can’t snap your fingers and make your partner change, and you have done the tough work of being honest with them. Now it’s time to focus on how you respond. My main advice? Let go and have faith in the person you love.

This is an analogy that has probably been beaten to death, but human beings are a lot like plants. In order for them to grow, they need to be treated with care. When you’re hoping someone will change, micromanaging or criticizing them is like over-watering them — they’re going to look all withered and sad for a while, then die. Contrary to what many believe, people can and do change — but they need to feel accepted and loved, despite their flaws, to accomplish this. Don’t stand on the sidelines and wait for your partner to fail, or point out where they are not taking your feedback to heart at every opportunity — give them the benefit of the doubt that they will succeed, and root on (hehe, more plant analogies) their best efforts.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t be honest when a concern comes up. Chances are, this will be an ongoing conversation, and it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. It’s more about where you are placing your attention. I would encourage you to, instead of looking for signs of change in your partner, recognize signs of change in yourself. This not only gives them a little breathing room, it lets you focus on the one thing you can control — you. A great way to see how things have changed for you as a person and in a relationship is tuning into your emotions.

It’s easy to avoid our feelings. Feelings are icky sometimes, and it would (temporarily) feel better to numb out and avoid them. But emotions are one way your body tells you that something needs your attention.

Let’s say you’re trying to fall asleep but you’re distracted by a nagging sense of anxiety. Instead of running away from how you feel by scrolling through your phone for hours (I personally have done this more times that I’d like to admit), get curious about it. Take a minute to explore where this emotion is coming from, and sit with the feeling (or even journal about it). You may come to realize that your partner agreed to start texting you “goodnight” as a way to communicate love, and they didn’t that night. A need isn’t being met, and while this doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, it’s important information to take note of.

Ultimately, if things in your relationship don’t improve, there is nothing wrong with walking away. Despite our best efforts, a lot of frustrating but totally valid things can get in the way of our relationships succeeding. Whether it’s timing, a fundamental difference in values, or it’s simply more work than you’re willing to put in, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. That is a good enough reason to break up even if your partner works very hard to make you happy.

It all comes down to trust. Trust your partner to do the things that you asked of them, and trust yourself to know when you need to move on.

XOXO,
Ginzo

Mental Illness Getting in the Way of Your Resolutions? You’re Not Alone

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As someone who is straight up obsessed with self-reflection and growth, I unabashedly love New Year’s. This is a time when everyone is getting a little introspective about what they want out of life, as well as what they have accomplished so far. I love seeing people taking advantage of self-improvement being in the air.

That being said, setting New Year’s resolutions is easier than accomplishing them. Personally, I have started many a year with lofty ambitions, only for December to come with no little-to-no progress made. I have often found myself waging a battle against mental illness to be the best version of myself. Turns out, I’m not alone in this experience.

Anxiety and Depression as Obstacles to New Year’s Resolutions

A recent survey of 500 people by Body Nutrition revealed that mental health may be a significant reason why many people cannot consistently implement the changes they want to make in the new year. Of the respondents, 29 percent said anxiety and depression were the biggest obstacles to making their fitness or wellness resolutions regular habits.

Body Nutrition New Year's Resolutions

These mental health conditions were nearly the most common reason why people struggle to make progress toward their wellness goals. Anyone who has experienced mental illness can relate to this. You might resolve to make more meals at home, but summoning the energy to get out of bed to cook feels impossible. Soon, you’re stuck in a cycle of rumination, beating yourself for not being able to follow through, filling you with shame. This is a common experience for people with depression and/or anxiety, and it may make the new year a time of stress for you rather than optimism. The good news is, there are plenty of resources to help people with anxiety and depression to set goals and achieve them.

Tips for Making New Year’s Resolutions When You Have Anxiety and Depression

I was much more successful with my resolutions this year. While I didn’t accomplish all of them, I’m proud of my progress and what I managed to check off my list. Here are some of the tools that helped me.

Practice Self-Compassion

This is my number-one tip for literally every aspect of life, but particularly goal-setting. Living with anxiety and depression often means having a running monologue in your head of everything you’re doing wrong. With a constant critic whispering in your ear, it’s no wonder you struggle to summon the confidence needed to take risks and make necessary changes. Cutting yourself some slack allows you to approach your resolution with curiosity rather than fear of failure. Let’s say you have resolved to start running, but you end up skipping the second day. You might think something like, “I can’t do this. I can never stick with anything. I’ll never be able to change.” This line of thinking makes it that much more difficult to get back to running. Alternatively, a more compassionate response may be, “I feel the need to rest today, but that’s okay. I will run tomorrow instead.”

Self-compassion is not like flipping a switch. It takes time to adopt a new mindset, so when you have negative thoughts about yourself pop up, don’t be discouraged. Something that has helped me is to think of myself as a child I am taking care of. I would never speak to my adorable baby self the way I tend to now, so it helps me to approach my thoughts with more compassion and less judgment.

Be Realistic

One of the most frustrating parts of depression is feeling like you are capable of so much more than your condition allows. While being depressed doesn’t mean you can’t accomplish great things, it’s important to accommodate your symptoms instead of denying their real impact on your life. For example, let’s say you want to write a novel this year. That’s a great goal, but make sure to give yourself some freedom in this timeline to cope with any depressive symptoms that might pop up. Dedicating two hours every day to writing might not be realistic when some days, just waking up is a major undertaking. Instead, if you give yourself a flexible schedule with realistic expectations, you’re better able to cope when your mental illness decides to pop up and interrupt your plans.

Think Of Your Overall Wellness

Many wellness resolutions are appearance-based. The problem with these resolutions, such as losing weight, is that they focus on what you look like on the outside instead of how you feel inside. More often than not, you end up at war with your body, launching a grenade into your self-worth. Instead of putting your efforts behind aesthetics, I would encourage you to look at your wellness from a holistic perspective, with special attention to your mental health. How could you give yourself more space to heal old emotional wounds and learn new ways to manage your symptoms? How could you go through 2019 with more self-love? What are some things you could do for your health that have nothing to do with what you look like to the outside world? Reflect on these questions while writing your resolutions.

I hope that these tips help you with these common obstacles to sticking with your resolutions. Regardless of what you accomplished last year, I hope that you will give yourself credit for getting through 2018 and facing all the challenges that were thrown your way. Here’s to a great 2019!

XOXO,
Ginzo

How Do I Stop Being My Own Worst Enemy?

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Dear Ginzo,

I’m really miserable. I know the things I SHOULD do to be happier/healthier/a better person but they are impossible. Or I do those things like try to lose weight or read more and I always fail. I just can’t seem to get my shit together and it feels like everyone around me is having no problem. I know it’s not true but it’s how it feels. I’m sick of feeling this way but everytime I try to change I end up sabotaging myself. I don’t even really know what the question is but help.

My Own Worst Enemy

Dear My Own Worst Enemy,

I have great news: the best enemy you can have is yourself. If your enemy was a fiendish sorcerer stalking your family, there would be little you could do to make him stop turning your loved ones into toads. When you’re your own worst enemy, you have the ultimate advantage over your nemesis—you have control.

That being said, changing is not as easy as simply deciding to. Every day you have to wake up and choose to do things differently, and after a lifetime of doing things one way, you’re not going to be able to completely change your habits overnight, nor should you. One of the quickest ways to set yourself up for failure in self-improvement is to throw yourself so wholy into it that you lose all of the coping mechanisms you used to know. Pretty soon, your new habits feel like a too-tight turtleneck that is slowly suffocating you. When you cut yourself free and return to those old behaviors, it feels like a sweet release, until that familiar misery creeps back up again.

So sometimes you skip the gym and forget to call your mom. You eat things that you know make you feel sick and you watch more TV than you want and you drink more than you should. It happens. You are human. You don’t have to think less of yourself because you aren’t sucking down kale smoothies and running 10 miles every day and reading classic literature and being the perfect partner/friend/employee/offspring. While self-improvement is something we should all strive for, that doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself up for not sticking to new healthy habits. What is does mean is that your current strategies aren’t working.

If you are going to make changes, they need to be realistic. It’s the difference between vowing to never eat junk food again and limiting your junk food intake to twice a week. If your daily breakfast is Cheetos right now, it’s not fair to expect yourself to never touch them again. It is more reasonable to begin by cutting this habit back by eating a healthy breakfast most days of the week and saving that cheesy indulgence for a once-in-a-while treat.

That being said, it’s hard to be reasonable and fair about your goals if you don’t love yourself. There may be aspects of who you are that you feel a lot of hatred for. Despite your instinct to dropkick these parts, to argue with them, or to shove them down and never let them see the light of day, I encourage you to do the opposite instead. Embrace them. Love them. Don’t judge them. Give them space to breathe and to tell you what they need you to hear.

“People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.” – John Harrigan

When you accept yourself for who you are without any conditions, your worth isn’t reliant on how successfully you are able to stick to your goals. Though change isn’t any easier, it’s worth it. When you love yourself, you want to do what is going to make your happier and healthier. You’re not changing because you think it is something you should do, you’re changing because you want the best for yourself.

It won’t be easy at first, especially if you have been mean to yourself for a long time. Something that helped me combat negative self-talk is seeing a counselor, and you might find it helpful as well. If you need help with finding one, check out my previous post about how to find a therapist.

That being said, you don’t need a therapist to begin being kinder to yourself today. Start by giving yourself a compliment right now to plant a seed of self-love. Do this daily and let it grow further. It might seem like a small and awkward gesture, but it is an easy step towards combating negative thoughts about yourself. As this gets easier, add a daily act of kindness for yourself to your routine. When your thoughts and actions show compassion and appreciation for yourself, real self-love grows, making it easier to take care of your body and mind, and pretty soon, you’re not your own worst enemy anymore: you’re your own best friend.

XOXO,
Ginzo

Can We Still Be Friends If He’s In Love With Me?

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Hi Ginzo,

I feel like I already know what you’re going to tell me, but a part of me is hoping I’m wrong.

I’m a 25-year-old female, but I still believe that everybody is a good person underneath it all, so of course it’s been backfiring—with one situation in particular.

I’ve been close friends with a guy (let’s call him Shane) since I was 12 years old. We met in 6th grade and have been friends all through high school and up until after college. Throughout most of this time, I had a boyfriend, and whenever I got out of a relationship, he would tell me he loves me and wants to give us a shot, so I always turned him down. Our relationship was strictly platonic on my end, and I never gave being with him a second thought. I moved out-of-state after college and into an apartment with my current boyfriend, but I always visit home around the holidays and I always make it a point to hang out with Shane. Last year when I was back home, I visited Shane at the bar he works at, and idk why, but there was palpable sexual tension. Palpable. Later that night he came over to my parents house and I made sure a mutual friend Aaron was there because I was sure Shane would make a move on me if we were alone.

Aaron, great friend that he was, ducked out early, leaving me and Shane alone together. We were playing pool, so I made sure to keep the table in between us, but he’d always come up behind me and get a little too close. Knowing I had to get out of the situation, I called it a night. He tried to kiss me when I walked him to the door. A few minutes later I got a text from him saying that we shouldn’t hang out at all for a while and that he always took our “if we’re still single at 30, we’ll get married” promise to heart. He loves me.

About six months ago, I texted him and he didn’t think we could be friends anymore, and my boyfriend agrees. However, I still really think we can be friends. I want to reach out, but I told Shane I’d wait until he was ready to talk again.

Am I being too naive and optimistic? Can we actually be friends? Halp.

Sincerely,
The Cockeyed Optimist

Dear Cockeyed Optimist,

I’m afraid you’ve fallen victim to the patriarchy here. Sorry, my friend, but it gets us all. Specifically, we have a “friend zone” believer on our hands.

The “friend zone” is a concept invented by people who think that when you are kind to women, it entitles you to have sex with them. A woman’s friendship is a consolation prize because obviously her body has more value. This attitude is not only toxic, negatively impacting people of every gender, it’s also completely off-base. As you know because you value him as a friend, friendship is one of the most beautiful gifts on this earth. It is life-affirming, grounding, and inspiring. It is not a punishment.

You have told him multiple times that you aren’t romantically interested in him, yet he continues to torture himself by waiting in the wings for you. This is a narrative we are told to find romantic. “Aw, what sweet, unrequited love! Let’s root for this gentle-hearted fellow!” Frankly, I find it immature and unsettling. There is nothing attractive about lurking in the “friend zone” for years, waiting for someone to change their mind about you after they turned you down multiple times. Shoot your shot, and if you miss, the healthy thing is to respect their choice and move on with your life. But no, instead, he waits around and then decides to come onto you despite the fact he knows you are in a serious relationship and have made it clear you do not have feelings for him. Gross. His behavior shows a lack of respect for boundaries that honestly creeps me out. He thinks, “She said ‘no,’ but what she really means is ‘not now.’” No, homie, she said “no.” Anyone who refuses to hear this word is not someone you need in your life. Losing a friend always hurts, but frankly, he has done you a favor by revealing who he really is.

Maybe some space will help him mature and let go of this pointless crush and realize that you owe him nothing for his friendship. Stranger things have happened. But honestly, it doesn’t matter at this point; it is not your problem. Let him go. And if he comes back to you like the proverbial butterfly, you can decide then if he is worth the emotional labor of creating the rigid boundaries you will have to put in place with him. For now, consider yourself lucky to be free of one fewer person with ulterior motives for being your friend.

As far as your optimism goes, I hope you don’t lose it from this experience. Yes, I think not being friends with this guy is for the best, but that doesn’t mean that you have to feel suspect of every guy you befriend. There are plenty of men out there who value friendship and will respect that you don’t see them romantically. But I hope that in the future, you will make note of the people who respect what you have to say, and those who decide to read into your words whatever they choose.

XOXO,
Ginzo

 

My Girlfriend Never Makes Time For Me and Keeps Me a Secret. Is My Relationship Doomed?

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So I’m in a pretty new relationship with my girlfriend, AJ. We’ve been dating since June, but I really REALLY like her. We always have a great time together whenever we’re together and I could really see a future here. There are a few problems, though.

First, she’s ALWAYS busy. Like always. We’re both in school so I kind of understand having too much homework to hang out, but every time we make ANY plan at all, she cancels last minute or shows up but can only stay like 20 minutes. Her birthday was last week and I’ve been planning it for a month and she could only stay about 90 minutes. It just kind of hurt. I just don’t understand why we can’t meet up at a coffee shop and do homework together sometimes. We literally live on the same street in different dorms–you’d think I would see her all the time, but I don’t.

Secondly, she hasn’t come out to anybody, including her closest friends. I understand not wanting to tell her family yet; I’m the first girl she’s dated so that’s going to come down the line if we end up together, but I cringe every time I’m introduced to her other friends as “a classmate”. When I bring it up, she tells me she’ll tell them when she’s ready and gets snippy, so then I feel bad for pressuring her.

And third, she makes me feel TERRIBLE. Like all the time. And I don’t know if I’m reading situations wrong and overthinking it, but if I text her too often she snaps at me that I’m pressuring her too much to talk when she’s busy, even if I’m just asking how her day is. I find myself asking my friends about every text I get from her because she’s often extremely cryptic, and I feel like that’s a bad thing.

I like to make sure our plans are solidified when we make them a few hours before but that has occasionally gotten me a snappy “why don’t you trust that I’ll show up?” or a “forget it, if you’re going to be micromanaging me, I don’t want to hang out tonight”.

AGAIN, I want to reiterate that when we are physically IN PERSON, none of this is like this!!! We click, we laugh, we’re really cuddly and chatty and we have talked about really emotional and personal things. I feel like I really really know her, but sometimes I only feel like she wants me to display that I know her when we’re alone.

Not sure what to do. Is my relationship doomed?

Xoxo,

Tired of “I’m Busy”

Dear Tired of “I’m Busy,”

Generally, when I give relationship advice, I don’t like to say definitively whether or not I think two people should be together. A single letter to me is only a snapshot of a relationship, and there is no way for me to know everything that is going on behind closed doors. Something that sounds troubling could just be something two people have to work through with open communication, so most of the time, I like to remain neutral. In your case, however, I need to make an exception. I think you need to end things with her.

When you really like someone, it’s easy to overlook certain bad behaviors. What you describe in your letter are not just slightly annoying habits like forgetting to text back occasionally or never refilling the Brita. Her behavior is at best, immature, and at worst, manipulative and abusive. Let me ask you these questions:

  • Do you sometimes feel like you are walking on eggshells around her?
  • Are you often very confused about where you stand with her?
  • Does it feel like you can’t do anything right?
  • Do you feel like she is ashamed of you?
  • Does it feel like she is “in charge” in the relationship and everything needs to be catered to her needs and schedule?
  • Do you feel she is willing to put any effort towards preserving your relationship or are you doing the lion’s share of the emotional labor?
  • Does it sometimes feel like you are in a relationship with two different people: one who cares for and respects you, and one who belittles and devalues you?

If you can relate to any of these, your relationship is unhealthy. A healthy relationship means that you show each other respect, make compromises, and make time for each other. Healthy partnerships do not involve being passive aggressive, snippy, stingy with your time, or secretive. A good partner appreciates it when you make an effort to show you care like you did with her birthday, and they don’t treat you like they are doing you some big favor by making a small window of time for you. We’re all busy, but when you care about someone, you make time for them, especially when they are allegedly your girlfriend. You should not feel like you are in a relationship with an enigma where, if only you could just figure out how to please her, then everything would be perfect. I am telling you now that you could give her the moon, and she would still find something wrong with it. People who use manipulative tactics like refusing to hang out with you because you simply ask them to respect your time are not the type of people who can be pleased. She expects you to read her mind and follow some unwritten code of conduct, and if you don’t live up to her expectations, she gets pissy and won’t see you. Of course you feel terrible; this person means the world to you, and she treats you like you’re an option, not a priority. In the right relationship, you feel better about yourself, not worse. They lift you up, not tear you down.

In the right relationship, you feel better about yourself, not worse. They lift you up, not tear you down.

When and how to come out is a personal choice that you are right to respect. But any relationship where there is an attraction and connection between two individuals can thrive when it exists in a bubble. If you are only ever “together” when you are alone, you aren’t truly together. Part of being in a relationship is sharing each other’s lives, meeting each other’s friends and family, and spending time together out in the world. To truly know someone, you have to see all the parts of them, not just the 20 minute highlights reel they give you. Your relationship cannot progress forward if all you ever do with her is hang out in private on her schedule. It is suspicious to me that she is hiding such a huge part of herself from even her closest friends, especially because she introduces you as her “classmate” instead of, at the very least, her friend. Perhaps she is genuinely not ready to come out, and that’s okay; she will have to get there on her own time. But if you are going to date someone who cannot tell her friends and family about you, it’s only going to go so far, particularly when they refuse to even talk to you about it. You know who you are and you’re not hiding it which is the most profoundly brave thing you can do in this world, so you should be able to be out and proud about who you date. Being with someone who wants you to hide you is only causing you to feel ashamed, and someone who so clearly has tons of love to give deserves to give it to someone who truly appreciates it and openly returns the favor.

You’re only at the beginning of your adult life, and there are many wonderful women out there who would be happy to make time for a loving partner in the light of day and with the support of their inner circle. You may have fun with AJ when you’re alone, but if she is constantly keeping you unsure of where you stand and won’t bring your relationship out to at least her closest friends, it’s time to move on. You deserve better. Do yourself a kindness and say, to paraphrase Beyonce, “Girl, BYE.”

XOXO,
Ginzo