Tag Archives: love languages

Using the 5 Love Languages for Self-Love

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A few months ago, I wrote about Using the Five Love Languages During Quarantine. While unfortunately, this information is still relevant, as I was writing that piece, I found myself thinking of ways you could give yourself some love during this time too. I finally circled back around to that idea and compiled a list of ideas for how you can use your love language to give yourself love right now. If you don’t already know your love language, I recommend taking the quiz to find out. 

Physical Touch

If your love language is physical touch, this year has been rough for you, particularly if you don’t live with anyone you can be intimate with. Make sure you’re giving yourself lots of space to feel the emotions that come up for you right now. Though you might not be able to get the cuddles you want from another person, there are actually many ways to give yourself physical affection. 

  • Massage yourself. Massage is a wonderful way to give yourself some love. There are a lot of self-massagers you can buy (I personally have a Muscle Hook) but your hands are completely sufficient for massaging much of your body. I recommend using oil as well for a fully sensual experience. 
  • Sit in the sun. The warmth of the sun feels like the whole world is hugging you. Try spending time in the sun for at least five minutes a day (don’t forget the SPF). 
  • Masturbate. You don’t need a partner to experience sexual pleasure, and even if you do have a partner, there’s nothing wrong with touching yourself. Masturbating is natural, healthy, and fun. Now is a great time to get creative and experiment with new sensations, fantasies, and toys. 
  • Take a hot bath or shower. A warm bath may boost oxytocin production, the “love hormone.” Try making this a special event with candles, relaxing music, and a delightful bath bomb (my favorite local soap store has a wonderful selection of CBD bath bombs). 
  • Invest in a weighted blanket. This is an expensive purchase, but one that can be very comforting if your love language is physical touch. Lying under a weighted blanket is grounding in a similar way to being held by someone you love. 

Words of Affirmation

Luckily, no matter how far away you are from someone, you can still express how you feel about them. Even if you are getting plenty of words of affirmation from people you care about (and I really hope you are), you still deserve that love from yourself. Here are some ideas for using words of affirmation for self-love. 

 

  • Leave yourself love notes. I recently started writing notes to myself on my white board to help pump me up every week. It’s wonderful to have a tangible reminder that regardless of what I am going through, I can rely on myself to be loving and supportive. 
  • Compliment yourself in the mirror. You deserve to be regularly reminded of all your great qualities. Whenever you pass by a mirror, try giving yourself a compliment and see how it makes you feel. 
  • Write yourself a letter. Did you ever have a teacher that had you write a letter to your future self? This exercise can actually be a great way to practice self-love. Write yourself a letter, put it in a drawer, and open it when you need to hear some words of affirmation. 
  • Journal. Journaling is a powerful way to have a conversation with yourself. Try journaling around self-love themes, such as, “What’s something I love about myself?”
  • Try affirmations. The way you talk to yourself matters, and affirmations are a simple way to be positive about yourself every day. 

 

Acts of Service

If your love language is acts of service, it might be hard for you to imagine how to use this on yourself. After all, doing something for yourself isn’t taking it off your plate. That may be true, but you can do favors for your future self as a way to show love. 

 

  • Make your bed every day. This is such a simple way to make your living space more pleasant. Making your bed in the mornings is a gift to your sleepy bedtime self later.  
  • Meal prep. Meal prepping is probably the one habit that has single-handedly changed my self-care game (you can find out more about that journey through this piece I wrote for Workweek Lunch). Even something as simple as prepping your breakfasts for the next few days can significantly reduce your stress. 
  • Get grocery delivery/pick up. Some weeks, you simply don’t want to deal with the grocery store. That’s when delivery or pick up can be a game changer. 
  • Plan your week. I like to keep it simple by writing out everything I want to accomplish on Sunday evening and scheduling it out through the week, but you can do this however works best for you. 
  • Go to therapy. Therapy is an investment in your mental health. Whether you have a mental health condition or not, you can benefit from having a safe space for emotional processing. 

 

Gifts

The love language of gifts is about having tangible proof that you are seen. Gifts make you feel loved when they’re thoughtful, and this is true whether they’re gifts from others or yourself. When using this love language, it’s important to be intentional. Spending recklessly to make yourself feel better is not the same thing as buying yourself something that will bring you joy again and again. 

 

  • Invest in your health. How you spend your money reflects your values. Spending money on your health (whatever that looks like for you) demonstrates how much you care about your own wellbeing. 
  • Make a budget. This is not the most exciting idea, but it is impactful. When you know exactly where your money is going and where you want it to go, you can spend on yourself without guilt, knowing that you are living within your means. 
  • Craft. You not only get a physical gift from crafting, you are also gifted the meditative and creative benefits of making something. 
  • Save for a vacation. Or to any other goal you have. Every time you save towards a goal, you are giving a wonderful gift to your future self. 

 

Quality Time 

Personally, I have had a lot of time to myself the last six months, and through this, I have come to truly understand the difference between quality time with yourself and simply being alone. When I am sitting and scrolling through social media, that’s not quality time, the same way it wouldn’t be if I was with someone else. Focus on activities that make you feel closer to yourself. 

 

  • Self-date night. You truly don’t need another person to go on a date. Make yourself dinner, light some candles, listen to your favorite music, and you don’t even have to share dessert. 
  • Pick up a new hobby. When you’re starting a new hobby, you get a lot of great quality time alone to learn. 
  • Meditate. If meditation isn’t your jam, try simply being mindful during another activity, like eating, dancing, or cooking. 
  • Schedule rest. It’s easy to get caught up in people-pleasing, to-do lists, and the need to be productive. Actively schedule time for rest so you can enjoy some stress-free time for yourself. 

 

Using the 5 Love Languages in Quarantine

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Through his best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman brought an important idea to the forefront of popular culture — people express and receive love in different ways. Whether it’s words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, or quality time, most people have one or two dominant “love languages” they use to communicate affection. 

If you don’t already know your love language, I’d recommend taking the quiz to find out. Knowing your own love language, as well as the love language of your partner, your children, and your other close companions, can be enormously helpful to form deeper, stronger relationships. 

That being said, some love languages are easier to use than others during the current pandemic. This is especially frustrating because what we need more than ever is to feel love and connection. To address this gap, I have put together this humble list of suggestions. 

Physical Touch

This is the most difficult primary love language to have right now, so I want to give a long, warm virtual hug to these folks right now. Physical touch is one of my love languages, and as someone who lives alone, this has been an exceptionally difficult time. Like at one point, I ordered Indian food and when the delivery driver was especially nice over text, I thought to myself, “Maybe we will fall in love now!” We didn’t.

It’s a lonely time for physical touch folks, and nothing will replace the life-giving hugs you will exchange after social distancing guidelines end. In the meantime, here are some ideas for how you can support your touch-loving friends. 

  • Send them something warm and fuzzy that smells like you. It will almost feel like being held by you. 
  • Gift them things that are pleasurable to touch — silk scarves or one of those incredibly soft microfiber blankets, for example. 
  • Send them things they can use for a spa day, like bath bombs, a massager, or a face mask. Pampering releases oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.”
  • Make eye contact with them. This one might seem weird, but hear me out. Eye contact is physically intimate without requiring physical touch. If you can’t be in the same place, try looking directly at the camera over video chat so it feels like they’re looking into your eyes. To be honest, I have no idea if this will work, but it’s worth a shot!
  • Try virtual touch. For someone you’re sexually intimate with, there is obviously sexting (VERY IMPORTANT: consent is ALWAYS mandatory, even virtually, so don’t send explicit messages or photos out of the blue. I will yeet you into the sun if I find out you did this). But even in a platonic relationship, you could say, “I am sending you a virtual hug!” or “I would love to play with your hair right now!” Will it feel weird? Maybe! But if there is any moment to try something new and weird, it’s now. 

Words of Affirmation 

Unable to see their loved ones in person, many people are learning for the first time how to verbally express affection, and it’s beautiful to see. This is my secondary love language so this is at least a small comfort for me. I am naturally effusive when it comes to people I love, and it has been nice to have more of that energy directed back towards me. 

That being said, there are only so many times you can say “I love you” and truly placate your words of affirmations friends. Tell me WHY, and don’t leave out any details! Here are some things to try to switch it up. 

  • Send them a card or letter expressing how much you value them. This will be treasured for a literal lifetime. 
  • Record a voice memo listing all of your favorite of their qualities. Hearing your voice lends a more personal touch to your loving words. 
  • Text them something you miss about them every day to give them a daily dose of love. 
  • Give them a pep talk. In these uncertain times, there is a lot of anxiety and self-doubt blooming, so your loved one may benefit most from a solid boost. 
  • Shout them out on social media. There’s nothing like a virtual public display of affection to make someone feel important. 

Acts of Service

When it comes to love, these people want to be shown, not told. We have all heard that actions speak louder than words, and people whose love language is acts of service have taken this to heart (literally). The classic example of an act of service is doing your partner’s least favorite chore for them. This, of course, is a lot trickier if you’re not currently quarantined with your loved one. Fortunately, there are plenty of actions you can take to communicate your love.

  • Pick up groceries for them and drop them at their front door. Right now, shopping is a harrowing experience, so this would be a significant act of love for many. 
  • Take one logistic off their plate. We’re all dealing with lifestyle changes that may be overwhelming. See if there is some kind of logistical problem you can help them with, such as planning a virtual happy hour or finding where they can buy more face masks for their children. 
  • Send them a meal. We’re all sick of cooking now, right? Sending their favorite takeout to their door is a great way to show that you care. 
  • Make them a playlist of podcasts to listen to. You could also give them a playlist of songs, a list of movies to watch, or a list of books to read. All of these would take away some of the burden of decision fatigue. 
  • Look for ways you can make their day easier. If you’re not sure what you can do for your loved one, pay attention to the struggles that they are facing. If they’re unemployed and looking for a job, for example, you might offer to edit their resume or send them job listings. What is the biggest difficulty they are currently facing? Is there anything you can do about it? Even if you can’t think of anything yourself, you can simply ask them, “How can I make your life easier today?”

Gifts

While it may seem like giving gifts is the easiest love language on this list during the pandemic, this love language is arguably the most misunderstood. Often considered “materialistic,” I have found that many people shy away from identifying with this love language for fear of being considered greedy. In reality, people who equate gifts with love care more about the intention behind the gift than the money spent. Gifts serve as a reminder of how much they are loved, regardless of price tag. 

Gifts are both easy and hard right now. They’re easy because we are able to send things to one another’s doors. They’re hard because whether you are struggling financially or they are, money can be a sensitive topic. Here are some ideas that don’t necessarily require you to spend a lot of money that can still have an impact. 

  • Use your creative gifts. If you’re a crafter, make them a picture frame for a picture of you together. If you’re a musician, try writing them a song. These types of gifts are often the most well-loved because of the time and attention required to put them together. 
  • Pay for them to take a class in a skill they have always wanted to master. There are tons of discounted online classes right now (check out Udemy), and this type of gift empowers them to work on their own development. 
  • Send them a book you think they’ll like. Choose something from your collection that you enjoy talking about. 
  • Gift them their favorite treat. It was recently my birthday, and my friends were kind enough to fill my kitchen with delicious sweet things. Speaking from this experience, these made me feel very loved and gave me something to look forward to. 

Quality Time

People whose love language is quality time feel most important and special to someone when their loved one simply wants to be with them. It doesn’t matter how this manifests — the emphasis here is truly on quality rather than time. A half-hour conversation with your full attention is more impactful than a two-hour hang where you’re staring at your phone most of the time. 

Quality time is tough during social distancing. Video chatting simply isn’t the same as sitting in the same room. Fortunately, though it isn’t ideal, technology has enabled us to make due for now. 

  • Watch your favorite show together. This works great for shows on live TV because it gives you a special time every week to set aside for each other. 
  • Play games. You can play your favorite video game online together, or download an app like Houseparty. 
  • Do a virtual book club. Pick a book and a few of your favorite pals and read together. 
  • Do a challenge together. There are a ton of challenges that you can do together, such as doing yoga every day for 30 days. 
  • Share a remote meal together. Order food from the same place and eat at the same time to almost feel like you’re out to dinner.

I hope these help you communicate your love to the people who matter the most to you during this time. Stay healthy, stay safe, and stay connected.