Help! He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Dear Ginzo,

I am having some guy trouble. The guy I’ve been seeing for the last 10 months is a little hard to read. I feel like we’re in a relationship because we act like we’re together but he has said in the past (at the very beginning) that he doesn’t want a relationship. He has said that we are enjoying each other’s company and are having fun. I know he’s been burned in the past and is scared to go into a serious relationship. Our feelings are out on the table. We’ve said I love you and have gotten mushy with each other. I have spent time with his family and for all I know they think I’m his girlfriend.

The troubling part is that he has his off days. Days where he seems to not want to talk to me, or he’s being very distant (physically and emotionally). Every time I try to talk to him about it, he apologizes and reassures me that everything is fine. I’m the kind to overshare my feelings and he’s the kind to be more reserved. So what should I do? Should I try to push him to talk more? Should I back off? Is this whole thing just doomed from the get go?

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Dear He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not,

The struggle to define relationships these days is real. There are more and more situations in which you’re “talking to” or “hanging out with” someone without a label. Knowing what role we play in a person’s life can be difficult because we are more free to casually date than ever. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, because at least we don’t have to marry the first person who looks our way anymore. It’s a social climate in which it is much easier to explore our identities and sexualities and what truly makes us happy, whether that is being in a relationship with one person, several people, or no one at all. However, it does mean that you can see someone for 10 months, tell each other “I love you,” and meet his family, and still not be entirely sure what is going on.

Labels are not as important as the relationship behind them, but they serve a purpose. When things are defined, it is easier to trust your partner. You know you are monogamous (or have agreed upon some sort of mutually respectful arrangement otherwise) and you know they aren’t just going to disappear one day. It is a deeper commitment that feels like a safety net.

But again, a label is not nearly the most important or best part of being in a relationship, and if it is for you, you are in it for the wrong reasons. There are plenty of unhealthy relationships that have included even more serious labels, such as “spouse,” but are only partnerships in name.

Put the “Are we in a relationship?” question aside. Does this person respect you? Does he make you feel good about yourself? Forget about what he has or hasn’t said; what do his actions say about how he feels about you? I ask you these things because it can be easy to get caught up in the label without seriously considering whether you really want to be with this person or not. If it is an otherwise healthy relationship that makes you happy but you are just stressed about where you stand, then it’s important to talk to him about this.

I wouldn’t necessarily interpret the fact he pulls away sometimes to be a bad thing. Personally, I am a naturally more reserved person, and there are times when I just need my space. It doesn’t mean the other person has done anything wrong, but solitude and silence are very important to me, and there are some things that I either can’t or don’t want to talk to other people about. I need the people who love me to allow me that space, but this isn’t always easy to communicate, particularly with my more extroverted, emotionally expressive loved ones. Maybe the guy you’re seeing is the same way.

Also keep in mind that no one is naturally good at sharing their feelings. It takes practice, particularly in the context of a romantic relationship, and how fluent you are in expressing your feelings has a lot to do with the environment you grew up in, as well as the people you surround yourself with. Men in particular are socialized not to express their emotions, meaning that many grow up without the vocabulary to talk about what is going on inside. It sounds like you have different communication styles, which does not mean that it won’t work out; it just means that you will have to meet each other where you respectively are. This is a normal part of the work that goes into relationships, and if you want to continue being with him, it will be an ongoing project for as long as you’re together.

As to the DTR conversation: In the beginning, he said he didn’t want a serious relationship, but that was 10 months ago now. A lot has changed since that initial conversation, and it sounds like it is time to check in again and see how you are both feeling about it. Sitting him down to have “a talk” may make it too intimidating for someone who is not eager to verbalize their feelings. Chances are, there will be a natural way to bring it up in conversation where you don’t have to make a big deal about it, taking the pressure off of the both of you. Be honest about how you feel, and give him the space to follow suit. Understand that if he has been seriously burned as you said, he may still need more time. The important thing to keep in mind here is to not take it personally. Let him own his feelings, own yours, and try to be as nonjudgmental as possible. This will go a long way towards creating a space in the future where you both can communicate with each other openly.

At the end of the day, relationships require a lot of emotional work, labeled or not. If this person is worth it, pour love and energy and care into understanding what is going on beneath the surface. If he’s not, then now you know what you want out of future relationships, and that is something that is valuable in its own right. Best of luck!

XOXO,
Ginzo

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Should I Break Up With My Live-In Boyfriend?

Dear Ginzo,

I currently live with my boyfriend, and while I love him, I am wondering whether or not our relationship is meant to be. We moved in together basically because he wanted to move out of his parents’ house and my lease was up with my old roommate who I did not get along with. It was just good timing for both of us but now it’s been 6 months and I am not sure whether or not it’s something that I was really ready for or we were ready for in our relationship. He is a good boyfriend but not a good roommate, he’s very messy and he expects me to cook and clean for him like his mom always did. And anytime I talk to him about this, or really any problem we have, he ends up just becoming really withdrawn and sullen and won’t talk to me. I still love him but living with him has made me realize he is way less mature than me. It’s starting to impact our relationship so much I am just not as attracted to him. I am just not really sure what to do. We still have another 6 months on our lease so I kind of want to just suck it up and stick it out and see if it gets better before then and part of me thinks that I just want to break up with him.

The Man I Live With Is Not The Man I Fell In Love With

I’m sorry this living arrangement has proven to be so unpleasant. It’s true that you really never know someone until you live with them, and sometimes, you don’t like what you find out. I also understand that a lease makes you feel like you are trapped in the relationship because if you were to break up, you either live together in awkward (dis)harmony or one or both of you figures out a way to move out, which probably sounds pretty daunting.

But here’s the thing: Yes, figuring out a new living situation and finding a subleaser and telling all your friends and family and all the scary, frustrating, sad, and annoying things that go along with breaking up with someone you live with would not be enjoyable. But in two years, are you going to look back and think, “Man, am I glad that I didn’t have to deal with the inconvenience of moving. Thank God I stayed in that dead-end relationship!” It’s one thing to try to make it work because you love him, it’s another to stay because you are scared of change. If your lease ended next week, would you still be thinking about staying with him? Or would you like, “Hallelujah! To a one-bedroom I go!” If the only reason you are even thinking of staying with him is the lease, end it now. Don’t waste your time and energy on being with someone you don’t want to be with. You only get one life; why spend it with someone who makes you miserable?

Don’t waste your time and energy on being with someone you don’t want to be with. You only get one life; why spend it with someone who makes you miserable?

That being said, if you still love him and want to be with him, try working it out. Yes, I agree that your boyfriend’s behavior is immature, but immaturity is something that can change. If he has only ever lived with his parents, he hasn’t been smacked in the face with the reality of living with people other than the ones who will forgive you for anything you do because they created you. If you weren’t his girlfriend and were instead, say, a Craigslist rando, he probably would have had his toothbrush dunked in the toilet by now. It shouldn’t be your job to teach him common courtesy, but if you want to be with him, you will have to help him work through his ignorance.
This will be work. This involves negotiating, enforcing your boundaries, practicing patience, forgiving him when he forgets things/doesn’t do things the way you would, and being completely honest with him, even when he withdraws. If he’s worth the work, best of luck to you. If he’s not, in the immortal words of Beyonce, “Boy, bye.”

XOXO,
Ginzo

Am I Selfish for Not Wanting to Settle?

Dear Ginzo,

I have been with my partner for about 8 years. I can honestly say that he’s a great person (kind, generous, selfless at times and very loving). I feel like he loves me more than I love him. He always wants to be around me and spend time with me. I’m just indifferent. I feel like we’re best friends but for all intents and purposes, we’re glorified roommates. I can’t say that I’m in love with him anymore but I do know I love him, its more platonic than romantic. His family loves me and my family loves him. I feel like I’m settling and I don’t want to hurt him but I also don’t want to be unhappy and stuck in a relationship that does nothing for me. Am I being selfish? What should I do?

Scared to Settle

Dear Scared to Settle,

My heart goes out to you. It must be so difficult to contend with these feelings of doubt, to care for your partner but to feel like it is just not right. There is nothing selfish about that. I am sure you wish you could just magic those romantic feelings for him again instead of having to contemplate starting a new life without him.

I can’t tell you what to do, but to me, there are two options here: you either stick around and try to work through it with your partner, or you end the relationship. Reading that, you may have felt in your gut what you must do. Did one option make you feel relief, while the other felt like a weight on your chest? If so, go for the one that lifts your burden. If not, here are some thoughts to help you with your decision.

For door number one (staying and working it out), you will have to talk to your partner about how you are feeling. Being honest and vulnerable is terrifying, but it is the only way you can work through it. Of course, he will likely have a lot of feelings about it; he may feel hurt, rejected, or confused if he hasn’t picked up your feelings. Or he may surprise you by expressing the same doubts, or relief that you are finally opening up about yours. Trust that your partner can handle your truth, and accept his, whatever his proves to be. You may pursue couples counseling, or maybe go into counseling by yourself. Sometimes, unhappiness within ourselves manifests as unhappiness with others. Maybe your feelings of indifference in your relationship are not about your partner, but unhappiness within yourself. If that rings true to you, I encourage you to work through these feelings with a therapist.

On the other hand, your heart may be telling you that it really is over; that as much as you care for him, you just don’t want to be in a relationship with your partner anymore. And that’s okay. There’s an expression that is floating around the internet that goes like this: “Don’t keep making a mistake because you spent a lot time making it.” That is not to say I think your relationship is a mistake at all. I’m sure that you have gotten a lot out of it over the past eight years. Just because a relationship doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t worthwhile and successful. On the flip side, just because a relationship lasts for a long time doesn’t mean it is a success, as is demonstrated by the many miserable marriages in the world. The point I am trying to make with this quote is that the length of a relationship is not a good reason to stay in it. You have a lot of history with this person, but that doesn’t mean that you have a future with him.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell

Eight years is a long time, and a lot has changed. It’s okay that you are not the same person with the same needs you were eight years ago when you first got together. Actually, it is better that you aren’t. Sometimes in relationships, you grow together, but often, you grow apart. There is nothing wrong with that, and as generous, kind, and loving as your partner may be, if he isn’t the person you want to be with, then it is the kinder choice to let him go. The selfish decision would be to stay in a relationship with him while he continues to think that everything is fine when it really is not. Being broken up with is a terrible feeling, but not as bad as waking up one day to find that your partner has spent years feeling indifferent about you, building up resentment that makes things impossible to fix.

Of course, breakups are the literal worst, and it means jumping back into the unknown that is being single. And I am sure you are not eager to break the heart of someone you truly care about, especially when you don’t know for sure if you will find someone who is better suited to you (though you’ll never know unless you try). Keep in mind that no one can predict the future. You may be catastrophizing, thinking that if you break up with him, you will ruin any friendship you could have with him while simultaneously fating yourself to a life of loneliness and cat lady status (at least, that is what my brain likes to do to me). In reality, no cities will topple if you end this relationship.

Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” If you decide to close that door, don’t spend too long lingering around it, wondering if you made a mistake. It may be hard for a long time, but one day, you will wake up and it won’t be the first thing you think about. Then a little while later, you wake up and you feel pretty good. As time moves on, you accept the change in your life, and you start opening yourself up to new possibilities. Suddenly, there are new doors everywhere, and you might find yourself willing to open one more than just a crack.
I hope that, regardless of what you decide to do, you find the happiness you seek. Best of luck, my friend.

XOXO,
Ginzo