Tag Archives: relationships

Using the 5 Love Languages in Quarantine

Posted on by
1

Through his best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman brought an important idea to the forefront of popular culture — people express and receive love in different ways. Whether it’s words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, or quality time, most people have one or two dominant “love languages” they use to communicate affection. 

If you don’t already know your love language, I’d recommend taking the quiz to find out. Knowing your own love language, as well as the love language of your partner, your children, and your other close companions, can be enormously helpful to form deeper, stronger relationships. 

That being said, some love languages are easier to use than others during the current pandemic. This is especially frustrating because what we need more than ever is to feel love and connection. To address this gap, I have put together this humble list of suggestions. 

Physical Touch

This is the most difficult primary love language to have right now, so I want to give a long, warm virtual hug to these folks right now. Physical touch is one of my love languages, and as someone who lives alone, this has been an exceptionally difficult time. Like at one point, I ordered Indian food and when the delivery driver was especially nice over text, I thought to myself, “Maybe we will fall in love now!” We didn’t.

It’s a lonely time for physical touch folks, and nothing will replace the life-giving hugs you will exchange after social distancing guidelines end. In the meantime, here are some ideas for how you can support your touch-loving friends. 

  • Send them something warm and fuzzy that smells like you. It will almost feel like being held by you. 
  • Gift them things that are pleasurable to touch — silk scarves or one of those incredibly soft microfiber blankets, for example. 
  • Send them things they can use for a spa day, like bath bombs, a massager, or a face mask. Pampering releases oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.”
  • Make eye contact with them. This one might seem weird, but hear me out. Eye contact is physically intimate without requiring physical touch. If you can’t be in the same place, try looking directly at the camera over video chat so it feels like they’re looking into your eyes. To be honest, I have no idea if this will work, but it’s worth a shot!
  • Try virtual touch. For someone you’re sexually intimate with, there is obviously sexting (VERY IMPORTANT: consent is ALWAYS mandatory, even virtually, so don’t send explicit messages or photos out of the blue. I will yeet you into the sun if I find out you did this). But even in a platonic relationship, you could say, “I am sending you a virtual hug!” or “I would love to play with your hair right now!” Will it feel weird? Maybe! But if there is any moment to try something new and weird, it’s now. 

Words of Affirmation 

Unable to see their loved ones in person, many people are learning for the first time how to verbally express affection, and it’s beautiful to see. This is my secondary love language so this is at least a small comfort for me. I am naturally effusive when it comes to people I love, and it has been nice to have more of that energy directed back towards me. 

That being said, there are only so many times you can say “I love you” and truly placate your words of affirmations friends. Tell me WHY, and don’t leave out any details! Here are some things to try to switch it up. 

  • Send them a card or letter expressing how much you value them. This will be treasured for a literal lifetime. 
  • Record a voice memo listing all of your favorite of their qualities. Hearing your voice lends a more personal touch to your loving words. 
  • Text them something you miss about them every day to give them a daily dose of love. 
  • Give them a pep talk. In these uncertain times, there is a lot of anxiety and self-doubt blooming, so your loved one may benefit most from a solid boost. 
  • Shout them out on social media. There’s nothing like a virtual public display of affection to make someone feel important. 

Acts of Service

When it comes to love, these people want to be shown, not told. We have all heard that actions speak louder than words, and people whose love language is acts of service have taken this to heart (literally). The classic example of an act of service is doing your partner’s least favorite chore for them. This, of course, is a lot trickier if you’re not currently quarantined with your loved one. Fortunately, there are plenty of actions you can take to communicate your love.

  • Pick up groceries for them and drop them at their front door. Right now, shopping is a harrowing experience, so this would be a significant act of love for many. 
  • Take one logistic off their plate. We’re all dealing with lifestyle changes that may be overwhelming. See if there is some kind of logistical problem you can help them with, such as planning a virtual happy hour or finding where they can buy more face masks for their children. 
  • Send them a meal. We’re all sick of cooking now, right? Sending their favorite takeout to their door is a great way to show that you care. 
  • Make them a playlist of podcasts to listen to. You could also give them a playlist of songs, a list of movies to watch, or a list of books to read. All of these would take away some of the burden of decision fatigue. 
  • Look for ways you can make their day easier. If you’re not sure what you can do for your loved one, pay attention to the struggles that they are facing. If they’re unemployed and looking for a job, for example, you might offer to edit their resume or send them job listings. What is the biggest difficulty they are currently facing? Is there anything you can do about it? Even if you can’t think of anything yourself, you can simply ask them, “How can I make your life easier today?”

Gifts

While it may seem like giving gifts is the easiest love language on this list during the pandemic, this love language is arguably the most misunderstood. Often considered “materialistic,” I have found that many people shy away from identifying with this love language for fear of being considered greedy. In reality, people who equate gifts with love care more about the intention behind the gift than the money spent. Gifts serve as a reminder of how much they are loved, regardless of price tag. 

Gifts are both easy and hard right now. They’re easy because we are able to send things to one another’s doors. They’re hard because whether you are struggling financially or they are, money can be a sensitive topic. Here are some ideas that don’t necessarily require you to spend a lot of money that can still have an impact. 

  • Use your creative gifts. If you’re a crafter, make them a picture frame for a picture of you together. If you’re a musician, try writing them a song. These types of gifts are often the most well-loved because of the time and attention required to put them together. 
  • Pay for them to take a class in a skill they have always wanted to master. There are tons of discounted online classes right now (check out Udemy), and this type of gift empowers them to work on their own development. 
  • Send them a book you think they’ll like. Choose something from your collection that you enjoy talking about. 
  • Gift them their favorite treat. It was recently my birthday, and my friends were kind enough to fill my kitchen with delicious sweet things. Speaking from this experience, these made me feel very loved and gave me something to look forward to. 

Quality Time

People whose love language is quality time feel most important and special to someone when their loved one simply wants to be with them. It doesn’t matter how this manifests — the emphasis here is truly on quality rather than time. A half-hour conversation with your full attention is more impactful than a two-hour hang where you’re staring at your phone most of the time. 

Quality time is tough during social distancing. Video chatting simply isn’t the same as sitting in the same room. Fortunately, though it isn’t ideal, technology has enabled us to make due for now. 

  • Watch your favorite show together. This works great for shows on live TV because it gives you a special time every week to set aside for each other. 
  • Play games. You can play your favorite video game online together, or download an app like Houseparty. 
  • Do a virtual book club. Pick a book and a few of your favorite pals and read together. 
  • Do a challenge together. There are a ton of challenges that you can do together, such as doing yoga every day for 30 days. 
  • Share a remote meal together. Order food from the same place and eat at the same time to almost feel like you’re out to dinner.

I hope these help you communicate your love to the people who matter the most to you during this time. Stay healthy, stay safe, and stay connected.

What Do I Do If My Partner Doesn’t Change?

Posted on by
Reply

Dearest Ginzo,

We all have things that we could work on and change. It’s tough to do, but it’s easier when it’s just us and harder when we’re expecting our loved ones to make the changes. In my example, my partner has been incredibly receptive to my feelings and thoughts about our relationship, and they’ve stated that they’re willing to work on these things to better both themselves and our relationship.

I know that change takes time, and I don’t want to ask too much (nor too little). How do I find the balance of expecting a person to change some of their behaviors? What’s reasonable, what should I look for, and what do I do if change just isn’t happening in the way I want it to?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Dear Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes,

I’m glad that you and your partner are able to talk about your concerns about the relationship, and that they have been open minded. Every relationship faces challenges, but the ones that work out are the ones where both partners are willing to talk about them and weather the storm together.

My therapist once told me, “You can’t change other people, but you can change the way you respond to them.” Clearly, you are aware that you can’t snap your fingers and make your partner change, and you have done the tough work of being honest with them. Now it’s time to focus on how you respond. My main advice? Let go and have faith in the person you love.

This is an analogy that has probably been beaten to death, but human beings are a lot like plants. In order for them to grow, they need to be treated with care. When you’re hoping someone will change, micromanaging or criticizing them is like over-watering them — they’re going to look all withered and sad for a while, then die. Contrary to what many believe, people can and do change — but they need to feel accepted and loved, despite their flaws, to accomplish this. Don’t stand on the sidelines and wait for your partner to fail, or point out where they are not taking your feedback to heart at every opportunity — give them the benefit of the doubt that they will succeed, and root on (hehe, more plant analogies) their best efforts.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t be honest when a concern comes up. Chances are, this will be an ongoing conversation, and it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. It’s more about where you are placing your attention. I would encourage you to, instead of looking for signs of change in your partner, recognize signs of change in yourself. This not only gives them a little breathing room, it lets you focus on the one thing you can control — you. A great way to see how things have changed for you as a person and in a relationship is tuning into your emotions.

It’s easy to avoid our feelings. Feelings are icky sometimes, and it would (temporarily) feel better to numb out and avoid them. But emotions are one way your body tells you that something needs your attention.

Let’s say you’re trying to fall asleep but you’re distracted by a nagging sense of anxiety. Instead of running away from how you feel by scrolling through your phone for hours (I personally have done this more times that I’d like to admit), get curious about it. Take a minute to explore where this emotion is coming from, and sit with the feeling (or even journal about it). You may come to realize that your partner agreed to start texting you “goodnight” as a way to communicate love, and they didn’t that night. A need isn’t being met, and while this doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, it’s important information to take note of.

Ultimately, if things in your relationship don’t improve, there is nothing wrong with walking away. Despite our best efforts, a lot of frustrating but totally valid things can get in the way of our relationships succeeding. Whether it’s timing, a fundamental difference in values, or it’s simply more work than you’re willing to put in, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. That is a good enough reason to break up even if your partner works very hard to make you happy.

It all comes down to trust. Trust your partner to do the things that you asked of them, and trust yourself to know when you need to move on.

XOXO,
Ginzo

Can We Still Be Friends If He’s In Love With Me?

Posted on by
3

Hi Ginzo,

I feel like I already know what you’re going to tell me, but a part of me is hoping I’m wrong.

I’m a 25-year-old female, but I still believe that everybody is a good person underneath it all, so of course it’s been backfiring—with one situation in particular.

I’ve been close friends with a guy (let’s call him Shane) since I was 12 years old. We met in 6th grade and have been friends all through high school and up until after college. Throughout most of this time, I had a boyfriend, and whenever I got out of a relationship, he would tell me he loves me and wants to give us a shot, so I always turned him down. Our relationship was strictly platonic on my end, and I never gave being with him a second thought. I moved out-of-state after college and into an apartment with my current boyfriend, but I always visit home around the holidays and I always make it a point to hang out with Shane. Last year when I was back home, I visited Shane at the bar he works at, and idk why, but there was palpable sexual tension. Palpable. Later that night he came over to my parents house and I made sure a mutual friend Aaron was there because I was sure Shane would make a move on me if we were alone.

Aaron, great friend that he was, ducked out early, leaving me and Shane alone together. We were playing pool, so I made sure to keep the table in between us, but he’d always come up behind me and get a little too close. Knowing I had to get out of the situation, I called it a night. He tried to kiss me when I walked him to the door. A few minutes later I got a text from him saying that we shouldn’t hang out at all for a while and that he always took our “if we’re still single at 30, we’ll get married” promise to heart. He loves me.

About six months ago, I texted him and he didn’t think we could be friends anymore, and my boyfriend agrees. However, I still really think we can be friends. I want to reach out, but I told Shane I’d wait until he was ready to talk again.

Am I being too naive and optimistic? Can we actually be friends? Halp.

Sincerely,
The Cockeyed Optimist

Dear Cockeyed Optimist,

I’m afraid you’ve fallen victim to the patriarchy here. Sorry, my friend, but it gets us all. Specifically, we have a “friend zone” believer on our hands.

The “friend zone” is a concept invented by people who think that when you are kind to women, it entitles you to have sex with them. A woman’s friendship is a consolation prize because obviously her body has more value. This attitude is not only toxic, negatively impacting people of every gender, it’s also completely off-base. As you know because you value him as a friend, friendship is one of the most beautiful gifts on this earth. It is life-affirming, grounding, and inspiring. It is not a punishment.

You have told him multiple times that you aren’t romantically interested in him, yet he continues to torture himself by waiting in the wings for you. This is a narrative we are told to find romantic. “Aw, what sweet, unrequited love! Let’s root for this gentle-hearted fellow!” Frankly, I find it immature and unsettling. There is nothing attractive about lurking in the “friend zone” for years, waiting for someone to change their mind about you after they turned you down multiple times. Shoot your shot, and if you miss, the healthy thing is to respect their choice and move on with your life. But no, instead, he waits around and then decides to come onto you despite the fact he knows you are in a serious relationship and have made it clear you do not have feelings for him. Gross. His behavior shows a lack of respect for boundaries that honestly creeps me out. He thinks, “She said ‘no,’ but what she really means is ‘not now.’” No, homie, she said “no.” Anyone who refuses to hear this word is not someone you need in your life. Losing a friend always hurts, but frankly, he has done you a favor by revealing who he really is.

Maybe some space will help him mature and let go of this pointless crush and realize that you owe him nothing for his friendship. Stranger things have happened. But honestly, it doesn’t matter at this point; it is not your problem. Let him go. And if he comes back to you like the proverbial butterfly, you can decide then if he is worth the emotional labor of creating the rigid boundaries you will have to put in place with him. For now, consider yourself lucky to be free of one fewer person with ulterior motives for being your friend.

As far as your optimism goes, I hope you don’t lose it from this experience. Yes, I think not being friends with this guy is for the best, but that doesn’t mean that you have to feel suspect of every guy you befriend. There are plenty of men out there who value friendship and will respect that you don’t see them romantically. But I hope that in the future, you will make note of the people who respect what you have to say, and those who decide to read into your words whatever they choose.

XOXO,
Ginzo

 

My Girlfriend Never Makes Time For Me and Keeps Me a Secret. Is My Relationship Doomed?

Posted on by
Reply

So I’m in a pretty new relationship with my girlfriend, AJ. We’ve been dating since June, but I really REALLY like her. We always have a great time together whenever we’re together and I could really see a future here. There are a few problems, though.

First, she’s ALWAYS busy. Like always. We’re both in school so I kind of understand having too much homework to hang out, but every time we make ANY plan at all, she cancels last minute or shows up but can only stay like 20 minutes. Her birthday was last week and I’ve been planning it for a month and she could only stay about 90 minutes. It just kind of hurt. I just don’t understand why we can’t meet up at a coffee shop and do homework together sometimes. We literally live on the same street in different dorms–you’d think I would see her all the time, but I don’t.

Secondly, she hasn’t come out to anybody, including her closest friends. I understand not wanting to tell her family yet; I’m the first girl she’s dated so that’s going to come down the line if we end up together, but I cringe every time I’m introduced to her other friends as “a classmate”. When I bring it up, she tells me she’ll tell them when she’s ready and gets snippy, so then I feel bad for pressuring her.

And third, she makes me feel TERRIBLE. Like all the time. And I don’t know if I’m reading situations wrong and overthinking it, but if I text her too often she snaps at me that I’m pressuring her too much to talk when she’s busy, even if I’m just asking how her day is. I find myself asking my friends about every text I get from her because she’s often extremely cryptic, and I feel like that’s a bad thing.

I like to make sure our plans are solidified when we make them a few hours before but that has occasionally gotten me a snappy “why don’t you trust that I’ll show up?” or a “forget it, if you’re going to be micromanaging me, I don’t want to hang out tonight”.

AGAIN, I want to reiterate that when we are physically IN PERSON, none of this is like this!!! We click, we laugh, we’re really cuddly and chatty and we have talked about really emotional and personal things. I feel like I really really know her, but sometimes I only feel like she wants me to display that I know her when we’re alone.

Not sure what to do. Is my relationship doomed?

Xoxo,

Tired of “I’m Busy”

Dear Tired of “I’m Busy,”

Generally, when I give relationship advice, I don’t like to say definitively whether or not I think two people should be together. A single letter to me is only a snapshot of a relationship, and there is no way for me to know everything that is going on behind closed doors. Something that sounds troubling could just be something two people have to work through with open communication, so most of the time, I like to remain neutral. In your case, however, I need to make an exception. I think you need to end things with her.

When you really like someone, it’s easy to overlook certain bad behaviors. What you describe in your letter are not just slightly annoying habits like forgetting to text back occasionally or never refilling the Brita. Her behavior is at best, immature, and at worst, manipulative and abusive. Let me ask you these questions:

  • Do you sometimes feel like you are walking on eggshells around her?
  • Are you often very confused about where you stand with her?
  • Does it feel like you can’t do anything right?
  • Do you feel like she is ashamed of you?
  • Does it feel like she is “in charge” in the relationship and everything needs to be catered to her needs and schedule?
  • Do you feel she is willing to put any effort towards preserving your relationship or are you doing the lion’s share of the emotional labor?
  • Does it sometimes feel like you are in a relationship with two different people: one who cares for and respects you, and one who belittles and devalues you?

If you can relate to any of these, your relationship is unhealthy. A healthy relationship means that you show each other respect, make compromises, and make time for each other. Healthy partnerships do not involve being passive aggressive, snippy, stingy with your time, or secretive. A good partner appreciates it when you make an effort to show you care like you did with her birthday, and they don’t treat you like they are doing you some big favor by making a small window of time for you. We’re all busy, but when you care about someone, you make time for them, especially when they are allegedly your girlfriend. You should not feel like you are in a relationship with an enigma where, if only you could just figure out how to please her, then everything would be perfect. I am telling you now that you could give her the moon, and she would still find something wrong with it. People who use manipulative tactics like refusing to hang out with you because you simply ask them to respect your time are not the type of people who can be pleased. She expects you to read her mind and follow some unwritten code of conduct, and if you don’t live up to her expectations, she gets pissy and won’t see you. Of course you feel terrible; this person means the world to you, and she treats you like you’re an option, not a priority. In the right relationship, you feel better about yourself, not worse. They lift you up, not tear you down.

In the right relationship, you feel better about yourself, not worse. They lift you up, not tear you down.

When and how to come out is a personal choice that you are right to respect. But any relationship where there is an attraction and connection between two individuals can thrive when it exists in a bubble. If you are only ever “together” when you are alone, you aren’t truly together. Part of being in a relationship is sharing each other’s lives, meeting each other’s friends and family, and spending time together out in the world. To truly know someone, you have to see all the parts of them, not just the 20 minute highlights reel they give you. Your relationship cannot progress forward if all you ever do with her is hang out in private on her schedule. It is suspicious to me that she is hiding such a huge part of herself from even her closest friends, especially because she introduces you as her “classmate” instead of, at the very least, her friend. Perhaps she is genuinely not ready to come out, and that’s okay; she will have to get there on her own time. But if you are going to date someone who cannot tell her friends and family about you, it’s only going to go so far, particularly when they refuse to even talk to you about it. You know who you are and you’re not hiding it which is the most profoundly brave thing you can do in this world, so you should be able to be out and proud about who you date. Being with someone who wants you to hide you is only causing you to feel ashamed, and someone who so clearly has tons of love to give deserves to give it to someone who truly appreciates it and openly returns the favor.

You’re only at the beginning of your adult life, and there are many wonderful women out there who would be happy to make time for a loving partner in the light of day and with the support of their inner circle. You may have fun with AJ when you’re alone, but if she is constantly keeping you unsure of where you stand and won’t bring your relationship out to at least her closest friends, it’s time to move on. You deserve better. Do yourself a kindness and say, to paraphrase Beyonce, “Girl, BYE.”

XOXO,
Ginzo

Help! He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Posted on by
Reply

Dear Ginzo,

I am having some guy trouble. The guy I’ve been seeing for the last 10 months is a little hard to read. I feel like we’re in a relationship because we act like we’re together but he has said in the past (at the very beginning) that he doesn’t want a relationship. He has said that we are enjoying each other’s company and are having fun. I know he’s been burned in the past and is scared to go into a serious relationship. Our feelings are out on the table. We’ve said I love you and have gotten mushy with each other. I have spent time with his family and for all I know they think I’m his girlfriend.

The troubling part is that he has his off days. Days where he seems to not want to talk to me, or he’s being very distant (physically and emotionally). Every time I try to talk to him about it, he apologizes and reassures me that everything is fine. I’m the kind to overshare my feelings and he’s the kind to be more reserved. So what should I do? Should I try to push him to talk more? Should I back off? Is this whole thing just doomed from the get go?

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Dear He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not,

The struggle to define relationships these days is real. There are more and more situations in which you’re “talking to” or “hanging out with” someone without a label. Knowing what role we play in a person’s life can be difficult because we are more free to casually date than ever. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, because at least we don’t have to marry the first person who looks our way anymore. It’s a social climate in which it is much easier to explore our identities and sexualities and what truly makes us happy, whether that is being in a relationship with one person, several people, or no one at all. However, it does mean that you can see someone for 10 months, tell each other “I love you,” and meet his family, and still not be entirely sure what is going on.

Labels are not as important as the relationship behind them, but they serve a purpose. When things are defined, it is easier to trust your partner. You know you are monogamous (or have agreed upon some sort of mutually respectful arrangement otherwise) and you know they aren’t just going to disappear one day. It is a deeper commitment that feels like a safety net.

But again, a label is not nearly the most important or best part of being in a relationship, and if it is for you, you are in it for the wrong reasons. There are plenty of unhealthy relationships that have included even more serious labels, such as “spouse,” but are only partnerships in name.

Put the “Are we in a relationship?” question aside. Does this person respect you? Does he make you feel good about yourself? Forget about what he has or hasn’t said; what do his actions say about how he feels about you? I ask you these things because it can be easy to get caught up in the label without seriously considering whether you really want to be with this person or not. If it is an otherwise healthy relationship that makes you happy but you are just stressed about where you stand, then it’s important to talk to him about this.

I wouldn’t necessarily interpret the fact he pulls away sometimes to be a bad thing. Personally, I am a naturally more reserved person, and there are times when I just need my space. It doesn’t mean the other person has done anything wrong, but solitude and silence are very important to me, and there are some things that I either can’t or don’t want to talk to other people about. I need the people who love me to allow me that space, but this isn’t always easy to communicate, particularly with my more extroverted, emotionally expressive loved ones. Maybe the guy you’re seeing is the same way.

Also keep in mind that no one is naturally good at sharing their feelings. It takes practice, particularly in the context of a romantic relationship, and how fluent you are in expressing your feelings has a lot to do with the environment you grew up in, as well as the people you surround yourself with. Men in particular are socialized not to express their emotions, meaning that many grow up without the vocabulary to talk about what is going on inside. It sounds like you have different communication styles, which does not mean that it won’t work out; it just means that you will have to meet each other where you respectively are. This is a normal part of the work that goes into relationships, and if you want to continue being with him, it will be an ongoing project for as long as you’re together.

As to the DTR conversation: In the beginning, he said he didn’t want a serious relationship, but that was 10 months ago now. A lot has changed since that initial conversation, and it sounds like it is time to check in again and see how you are both feeling about it. Sitting him down to have “a talk” may make it too intimidating for someone who is not eager to verbalize their feelings. Chances are, there will be a natural way to bring it up in conversation where you don’t have to make a big deal about it, taking the pressure off of the both of you. Be honest about how you feel, and give him the space to follow suit. Understand that if he has been seriously burned as you said, he may still need more time. The important thing to keep in mind here is to not take it personally. Let him own his feelings, own yours, and try to be as nonjudgmental as possible. This will go a long way towards creating a space in the future where you both can communicate with each other openly.

At the end of the day, relationships require a lot of emotional work, labeled or not. If this person is worth it, pour love and energy and care into understanding what is going on beneath the surface. If he’s not, then now you know what you want out of future relationships, and that is something that is valuable in its own right. Best of luck!

XOXO,
Ginzo

Should I Break Up With My Live-In Boyfriend?

Posted on by
Reply

Dear Ginzo,

I currently live with my boyfriend, and while I love him, I am wondering whether or not our relationship is meant to be. We moved in together basically because he wanted to move out of his parents’ house and my lease was up with my old roommate who I did not get along with. It was just good timing for both of us but now it’s been 6 months and I am not sure whether or not it’s something that I was really ready for or we were ready for in our relationship. He is a good boyfriend but not a good roommate, he’s very messy and he expects me to cook and clean for him like his mom always did. And anytime I talk to him about this, or really any problem we have, he ends up just becoming really withdrawn and sullen and won’t talk to me. I still love him but living with him has made me realize he is way less mature than me. It’s starting to impact our relationship so much I am just not as attracted to him. I am just not really sure what to do. We still have another 6 months on our lease so I kind of want to just suck it up and stick it out and see if it gets better before then and part of me thinks that I just want to break up with him.

The Man I Live With Is Not The Man I Fell In Love With

I’m sorry this living arrangement has proven to be so unpleasant. It’s true that you really never know someone until you live with them, and sometimes, you don’t like what you find out. I also understand that a lease makes you feel like you are trapped in the relationship because if you were to break up, you either live together in awkward (dis)harmony or one or both of you figures out a way to move out, which probably sounds pretty daunting.

But here’s the thing: Yes, figuring out a new living situation and finding a subleaser and telling all your friends and family and all the scary, frustrating, sad, and annoying things that go along with breaking up with someone you live with would not be enjoyable. But in two years, are you going to look back and think, “Man, am I glad that I didn’t have to deal with the inconvenience of moving. Thank God I stayed in that dead-end relationship!” It’s one thing to try to make it work because you love him, it’s another to stay because you are scared of change. If your lease ended next week, would you still be thinking about staying with him? Or would you like, “Hallelujah! To a one-bedroom I go!” If the only reason you are even thinking of staying with him is the lease, end it now. Don’t waste your time and energy on being with someone you don’t want to be with. You only get one life; why spend it with someone who makes you miserable?

Don’t waste your time and energy on being with someone you don’t want to be with. You only get one life; why spend it with someone who makes you miserable?

That being said, if you still love him and want to be with him, try working it out. Yes, I agree that your boyfriend’s behavior is immature, but immaturity is something that can change. If he has only ever lived with his parents, he hasn’t been smacked in the face with the reality of living with people other than the ones who will forgive you for anything you do because they created you. If you weren’t his girlfriend and were instead, say, a Craigslist rando, he probably would have had his toothbrush dunked in the toilet by now. It shouldn’t be your job to teach him common courtesy, but if you want to be with him, you will have to help him work through his ignorance.
This will be work. This involves negotiating, enforcing your boundaries, practicing patience, forgiving him when he forgets things/doesn’t do things the way you would, and being completely honest with him, even when he withdraws. If he’s worth the work, best of luck to you. If he’s not, in the immortal words of Beyonce, “Boy, bye.”

XOXO,
Ginzo

Am I Selfish for Not Wanting to Settle?

Posted on by
1

Dear Ginzo,

I have been with my partner for about 8 years. I can honestly say that he’s a great person (kind, generous, selfless at times and very loving). I feel like he loves me more than I love him. He always wants to be around me and spend time with me. I’m just indifferent. I feel like we’re best friends but for all intents and purposes, we’re glorified roommates. I can’t say that I’m in love with him anymore but I do know I love him, its more platonic than romantic. His family loves me and my family loves him. I feel like I’m settling and I don’t want to hurt him but I also don’t want to be unhappy and stuck in a relationship that does nothing for me. Am I being selfish? What should I do?

Scared to Settle

Dear Scared to Settle,

My heart goes out to you. It must be so difficult to contend with these feelings of doubt, to care for your partner but to feel like it is just not right. There is nothing selfish about that. I am sure you wish you could just magic those romantic feelings for him again instead of having to contemplate starting a new life without him.

I can’t tell you what to do, but to me, there are two options here: you either stick around and try to work through it with your partner, or you end the relationship. Reading that, you may have felt in your gut what you must do. Did one option make you feel relief, while the other felt like a weight on your chest? If so, go for the one that lifts your burden. If not, here are some thoughts to help you with your decision.

For door number one (staying and working it out), you will have to talk to your partner about how you are feeling. Being honest and vulnerable is terrifying, but it is the only way you can work through it. Of course, he will likely have a lot of feelings about it; he may feel hurt, rejected, or confused if he hasn’t picked up your feelings. Or he may surprise you by expressing the same doubts, or relief that you are finally opening up about yours. Trust that your partner can handle your truth, and accept his, whatever his proves to be. You may pursue couples counseling, or maybe go into counseling by yourself. Sometimes, unhappiness within ourselves manifests as unhappiness with others. Maybe your feelings of indifference in your relationship are not about your partner, but unhappiness within yourself. If that rings true to you, I encourage you to work through these feelings with a therapist.

On the other hand, your heart may be telling you that it really is over; that as much as you care for him, you just don’t want to be in a relationship with your partner anymore. And that’s okay. There’s an expression that is floating around the internet that goes like this: “Don’t keep making a mistake because you spent a lot time making it.” That is not to say I think your relationship is a mistake at all. I’m sure that you have gotten a lot out of it over the past eight years. Just because a relationship doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t worthwhile and successful. On the flip side, just because a relationship lasts for a long time doesn’t mean it is a success, as is demonstrated by the many miserable marriages in the world. The point I am trying to make with this quote is that the length of a relationship is not a good reason to stay in it. You have a lot of history with this person, but that doesn’t mean that you have a future with him.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell

Eight years is a long time, and a lot has changed. It’s okay that you are not the same person with the same needs you were eight years ago when you first got together. Actually, it is better that you aren’t. Sometimes in relationships, you grow together, but often, you grow apart. There is nothing wrong with that, and as generous, kind, and loving as your partner may be, if he isn’t the person you want to be with, then it is the kinder choice to let him go. The selfish decision would be to stay in a relationship with him while he continues to think that everything is fine when it really is not. Being broken up with is a terrible feeling, but not as bad as waking up one day to find that your partner has spent years feeling indifferent about you, building up resentment that makes things impossible to fix.

Of course, breakups are the literal worst, and it means jumping back into the unknown that is being single. And I am sure you are not eager to break the heart of someone you truly care about, especially when you don’t know for sure if you will find someone who is better suited to you (though you’ll never know unless you try). Keep in mind that no one can predict the future. You may be catastrophizing, thinking that if you break up with him, you will ruin any friendship you could have with him while simultaneously fating yourself to a life of loneliness and cat lady status (at least, that is what my brain likes to do to me). In reality, no cities will topple if you end this relationship.

Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” If you decide to close that door, don’t spend too long lingering around it, wondering if you made a mistake. It may be hard for a long time, but one day, you will wake up and it won’t be the first thing you think about. Then a little while later, you wake up and you feel pretty good. As time moves on, you accept the change in your life, and you start opening yourself up to new possibilities. Suddenly, there are new doors everywhere, and you might find yourself willing to open one more than just a crack.
I hope that, regardless of what you decide to do, you find the happiness you seek. Best of luck, my friend.

XOXO,
Ginzo